:Jules Stones

Celebrations Galore.....

2012-02-13T23:28:00.000-08:00

The last month has gone by with such speed. As the days ticked away, there were several times when I would think, "goodness if I had a piece of paper next to me I would write this down for remembering on my blog." Can I remember those things now? Of course not. Oh well. I can however share the things that are sticking out in my mind at this moment.

Aren't these colors amazing together? Normally I go for the snuggly cozy type of colors. But this bright yellow and bold purple fit perfectly for what I was doing.

This is a baby towel that I made for a dear friend that is about to be blessed. She is due the first week of March and we are all so excited. I really like blessing new babies with this style of towel because it grows with them. As a small infant, it will keep baby Aria much warmer than those thin hooded things they sell in the stores. Then as she gets older and is cruising around in toddler style, it is big enough to double as the best cape in any sort of pretend game after washing all those germs down the drain.

The baby shower was a blast. Parents and baby were both very blessed and loved on with all the necessities needed to begin their new adventure of a lifetime.

I saw something at the baby shower I had never seen before.....a diaper cake. It was the cutest thing ever! This picture is not from the party. I just googled it. I have no idea why it is now sideways. I downloaded it straight and checked it 3 times. But, if you have never seen a diaper cake, it will give you an idea of the cool blessing.

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Nana's 86th Birthday

What a joy! We just got to celebrate Nana's 86th birthday! I love my Nana so much. Even though time occasionally plays tricks with her memory, she is still as spry as ever. I made a real effort to make sure this was a fun birthday for her. I put streamers and balloons everywhere and tried my hand at all kinds of fun foods. It was all worth it to hear her giggle at the celebration of honoring her.
Mom made her that beautiful lei in her favorite color of red. It was so deep in color that it looked like velvet.

Normally Nana will shy away from the camera. After all, it is a girl's prerogative to fuss over wanting her hair and make-up to be 'just so'. But on this day she was full of smiles and I am so grateful.

The picture above is some of our group in a nice shot. From left to right is my brother, Mom, me and Dad. Then Nana, Auntie and Angel-girl.

This shot to the right is Nana with my brother and his little Angel-girl. This makes for a 3 generation picture. What a treasure!

Here is Nana just after blowing out the candles on her cake. I love her rosy cheeks! Doesn't she look wonderful?!

I made her cake and had so much fun doing it. It is a 3 layer angel-food cake with a strawberry filling in between each layer. The outside is a blend of whip cream and instant cheesecake pudding. while the top is slices of kiwi and strawberries.

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The Wedding

If you could only feel the happy sigh of finality and relief over here. The wedding was yesterday and now they are off on their honeymoon. Parties are done, no more alterations at the dress shop to fix fiascoes. It was a beautiful wedding and I think it all came out just the way Icca wanted it which is as it should be. It was a wonderful and memorable day. The professional pictures will take a couple of weeks to get back. Among other shots I want to share, I am hoping in that lot there will be a close up of her dress so I can share the sparkle of it all finished. But for now, here is a great wedding party picture from someone's cell phone. (Hubby and I are just to the groom's left.)

I am so grateful to have been blessed with being a part of it all. It was an odd feeling for me. I don't know if I can adequately explain it but...... When Heather got married, we sent some money to help and that was really all that we did besides being there for her big day. Not that anything is wrong with that. We live hours apart. It just is what it is. And at the time, I was in Texas taking care of Daddy. I had flown to Spokane the day before the wedding and was overwhelmed with the season of emotion I was in.

I don't regret any of it. Like I said, it just is what it is. I felt so blessed to be in so much of the details of this wedding. Icca's family was there. But because of the dynamics of their past and Icca needing to live with us all this time, I could see that it was a hard and awkward day for them. Maybe because of my own lack of feeling involved with our daughter's wedding, I could appreciate more of how Icca's family must have been feeling. They had tears and were obviously happy for her. But they hung back in the shadows and looked quietly sad most of the day. I tried to make small talk with them and offer the ease of knowing there is no judgement around here. But it didn't seem to bring any real ease into the day. I do understand. I can only pray and God will handle it.

Mr and Mrs Reis 2~12~2012

My Puddin girl took this shot during the reception.

Don't they look like a blissfully happy couple?

Goodness it is late in the night. I better get to bed.
God bless your week in all you do with His joyous abundance of favor and assurance of love.

Peek-n-Seek With Snow....

2012-01-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

The winter weather has everyone tense here. There is a weather front teasing us with the idea of snow in the air. If it were to come, it is not like it would be a bad storm. The threat is only an inch or two. Most people, not from the great northwest, tend to think that because we are 'up north' we must gets tons of snow all the time. On the contrary, because we have the Cascade mountain range and the coastline boxing us in, winter fronts usually bounce away from us. When Portlanders hear talk of snow (even an inch worth) everyone tends to run to the store for supplies and 'batten down the hatches' as if we will be stranded in our homes and blocked from modern civilization for months on end.

The true danger is in the driving conditions. Because snow and ice is not a normal occurrence around here, people tend to hit the road without much street savvy as they drive their cars. The un-cautious either want to joy ride and play with their seldom used 4WD vehicles or barrel through the streets at normal speeds to prove that a little cold weather will not deter them from their mission.

All of that makes me want to stay indoors where it is safe and stare at the beauty from my window.
I have had a cold this week and my usual laryngitis is visiting me so I haven't felt up to gallivanting much anyway. The weekend was slow....well slower would be a better word phrase to use. Friday night there were girls here doing trial run throughs with Icca Chou's makeup and hair styles for the wedding. Pizza, facial products and giggles were all over my house. Saturday was the bridal shower (at someone else's home). Once I got everything ready for Hubby's party at our home for his Hood-2-Coast meeting; I spent the evening with giggling women blessing our sweet bride to be. It was a great turn out and she was blessed abundantly.

I finished her dress this week. It didn't take an enormous amount of time. It was only my procrastinating that held me back. I am excited at how it looks but will have to wait until after the wedding to share pictures with you.

Today I did the cake server set. It was fun as well. I love how bead work enhances and makes everything so unique. I plan on doing the same beading concept to the stemware of their toasting goblets.

It is now less than one month to the wedding. I figure our lives are going to be swamped from here on out with all things wedding. The tuxes have all been fitted, florist arranged, photographer contracted and food planned. Our dresses are on order and should be here by the end of next week. That has been an interesting hiccup in the otherwise smoothness of all the planning. Everything that happens in life has opportunity to learn from. So from the dresses......my learning curve is that I doubt I will ever order clothing using an online sizing chart again.

For the moment, Nyquil, my pillow and fuzzy blanket are calling my name.

Thank You Papa God for the conveniences of today. Thank You for Nyquil, my pillow and fuzzy blanket. Thank You for the joys of crafts and individual creations. Thank You for your own artistry in the seasons that change. Amongst the many reasons that I cannot even begin to fathom, You create change in the seasons to care for the earth and to make us smile. The joys of snowflakes falling and the unique individuality of each one.....and You know them all just like You know us.

God bless you abundantly in all you do this week. Be filled with His joy and know that you are most definitely loved and never alone.

Picture Sharing Time

2012-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Between Christmas and New Year, the girls and I packed up and headed to the beach to visit with our wonderful friends. Hubby had to work this year but graciously said we could go "play" while he manned the home front.

The beach was stormy and snuggly; just the way I like it. Most of the time the rain and wind was a constant flow so we never took our regular walk on the beach. Instead I snapped the morning seascape out the Commons window.

Oh how I love the beach.

Below is a typical thing that happens when I don't keep my camera right next to me. The girls, all full of giggles, take over my camera and leave me surprises on the memory card. Here are a couple of the more cute ones.

This is Pippin and Rixxi. They manned the camera every chance they had.

They make me laugh all the time.

I love the sparkles in their eyes.......you know, the mischievous sparkle.

This is Puddin' and Novia. Girls and snacks in the middle of the night.

They had just finished a rousing game of Apples to Apples.

The below picture is of the girls making music together.

They sing side by side in choir so their sound was instantly a beautiful harmony.

All too soon it was time to head back to the city with our hearts full of great memories.

While at Nana's for New Year's day dinner, I took a few close up pictures of her bells.

As I said before, her tall Christmas tree is covered in them.

More bells can be found throughout the house decorating the banister railing and hanging from lights.

They shine, sparkle and glow as the lights reflect off of her creations.

No two are alike. The sizes of beads, colors and imaginative adaptation to

the original pattern make each one stand out on it's own beauty.

See the green one in the upper photo? It is made from a tea ball.

I remember having a pink one in my room when I was a little girl and it was filled with pot pourri powder.

Nana's favorite beads to work with are called berry beads.

I like how she combined this one with berry beads and golden hearts.

I like how Nana adapted this one. The shape and color always makes me think of an angel.

Now that it is January 6th and all of the normal schedules are back in full swing, I know it is a bit late to share these photos. But here is a secret that I must tell......I am still mailing out our Christmas cards! No really. I figure late is better than never. Last year, after just coming home from taking care of Daddy, I didn't do anything. I think our "around the world friends and family" that don't hear from us often deserve to know why it appears we have fallen off the face of the earth.

In all you do this week, do it with the knowledge that you are so very loved by God.

Christmas Musings

2011-12-28T00:07:00.000-08:00

The Surprise Gift

Christmas was so wonderful this year. It was a memory making time with family. We had 22 people stuffed into Nana's home enjoying the Eve of celebrating. Stories were swapped in every corner of the house as adults shared over good food and children played downstairs.

This year we were able to do something very special in surprising my parents and Nana with a joint gift. They had an old plasma console tv that served them well for a good 12+ years. It was a great technological piece of advancement when it was new but over the past few months the screen was giving out and giving everyone a headache. The color was almost all black and the picture would flip and shrink in a random pattern that made the viewer feel something was about to implode.

Without their knowing it, we as a whole family pulled our resources together and bought them a new 46" flat screen with a stand.

Blessings and gifts are always wonderful but much of the fun also comes with being able to surprise them and the challenge was on. I took the wrapped tv and stand to my parents house a few weeks ago with a big card on it labeled for my husband and asked them to store it for me so he wouldn't find it at my home before Christmas. My parents, always ready to pull a good one over on my hubby (in loving fun), were excited to be able to be a part of the 'deception'.

Boy were they shocked and speechless when we presented them with the truth written in the enclosed card. Wow! They were overwhelmed.

Thank you God that we could surprise and bless them that way.

Nana's Tree

I didn't think of taking a close up picture of Nana's tree when I was there on Christmas. But I do want to share with you how special this tree is. Nana is so talented and dedicated to her craft. That tree is covered in bells she made from stringing beads together. She has made them for years and we all have her creations located through out our homes. There are so many bells of different colors and sizes. If I had to guess, I would say there are at least 250 beaded bells on her tree. My dad has to anchor the tree to the wall with a wire to insure it does not topple over from the weight.

The Sweetness of Friendships

Last night we had a special treat by being blessed with a visit from some friends. We had met years ago when our children were all in the same martial arts training class at the local community center. At that time we had struck up a quick friendship both in heart and also because I knew that God was doing something special between us. They, being Chinese and native to Taiwan, found my own cultural diversity to be a comfort to them while I completely enjoyed the ease and joy of being with them. There was a pretty big language barrier but we all pushed through and encouraged each other.

After several months of being together, the time came for them to return to Taiwan and we didn't imagine ever seeing them again. I had prayed for them so very often. I wanted so much to talk with them in detail about God and His goodness......but that language barrier never let us get very far. We tried to communicate via email for a while but lost contact after a while. At least that is what I thought. It turns out that our girls got back in touch via social networking.

Puddin' came to me a couple of weeks ago saying that the family is now living in California. They would be in our area for Christmas break and could we have them over for dinner. Boy what a question. I was thrilled at the idea.

An amazing blessing of a story unfolded at my dinner table last night as we sat around eating teriyaki chicken and rice. With bubbling excitement (and still pretty broken English) they told us a story of all that we didn't know was happening in our friendship. They said that all those years ago, they had cravings to know more of God and raise their children in a Christian environment but didn't know how to meet God. They said that God used our friendship to show them a direction. He guided them and answered so many of their prayers by our friendship. There were many of our conversations they brought up last night that I had no idea what was happening on their end. That language barrier may have been keeping me from opening my mouth every time I wanted to say something but God was using it to prove Himself to them by answering their every request as they uttered it in their hearts.

It was so humbling to listen to them and point at me exclaiming I was an angel to them sent by God. It was encouraging to see how God works His plan. It is amazing to think of how things mesh together with ripples that affect such change.

Are you wondering about this amazing edible art? Our friends brought these to us for our enjoyment. Oh my goodness! They are from Pix Patisserie. I know that downtown Portland is becoming widely known for its culinary flair but good golly lolly........I had no idea such treats were available. They are so pretty. I am scared to cut into them. But they can't go to waste right?

For now, it is after midnight here and my pillow is calling me.
I pray that you have an amazingly blessed week. Know that you are loved so greatly by the God of all creation. He moves mountains for you, dances for you and is overjoyed at the thought of spending time with you because you matter to Him.

The Christmas Season....

2011-12-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

The Snow Globes

The month of December is slipping away ever so quickly. It is amazing how time flies by. Before it is gone, I'd like to share with you some highlights of the month that make me smile. First on the list of sharing is our snow globe collection. I won't go into the whole story right now but will instead encourage you to read here for a laugh. Go ahead, I will wait.

I must admit that this year has caught me stopping in the stores to pick up snow globes and ponder the idea of adding to my collection as I watch the snowflakes swirl to life in my hands.

While trusting that you will "link away" to read my previous snow globe story, I do want to take an extra minute and share this picture with you. A couple of mornings ago the sun was shining so brilliantly through the windows that it made everything sparkle to life. Pippin grabbed my camera and snapped a few clicks. This shot made me pause when I downloaded everything. I love the sparkle of the sunlight and am intrigued at the secondary image of the angel in the orb of the sun reflection on the glass dome. I love how God gives us extra delights all the time. He is so very creative.

Now for the Christmas Tree

A couple of weeks back we went to pick out to our Christmas tree. As is usual for us, we made great sport out of the whole thing. Our girls both have a quirky sense of humor and continuously challenge me to "think outside the box". In picking out a tree, they always look for the best oddball in the lot. Their philosophy is why have something in a perfectly full and normal bell shape when it can have its own character of life to proudly shine in our home.

This year they picked out a tree that had multiple tops to it as well as an assortment of extra long branches to stick out and hold our array of ornaments. There was no cutting off of branches to make things uniform, for uniform is boring.

Instead of our angel tree top being perched on the tip top branch that is 'tradition', she is nestled in between 3 top branches perfectly balanced.

This branch that sticks out to almost touch the china hutch is holding a beautiful crystal ballerina. I imagine that it is as if both ballerina and tree branch are bursting with the joy at the Good News Of the King.

My Unique Elves

These mischievous elves are another oddity in our home. A friend made them for us as a gift a couple of years back. Standing each at a good 3 feet tall, their oddball presence actually brings a chorus of "Mom those are so creepy". I gotta admit that they are a little odd and 'not normal'. Even Kekoa sits and growls at them from time to time. Maybe they wink at him when I am not looking. It doesn't matter to me though. For some reason I think they are so odd and gooney that they are positively adorable and I can't wait to put them out for all to see each year.

Our Birthday Celebration

Each year I look forward to a special event in the month of December. Smack in the middle of all the hubbub of Christmas preparations is the joy of being able to celebrate my shared birthday with my mom. Not everyone can say that they have the same birthday as another family member. I have the joy of being able to share my birthday with my mom on the very same day (and actually before her dad went to be in heaven his birthday was also on the same day with us). It wasn't planned that way. It is just when God chose us to be born.

After Hubby and I retired and moved back "home", Mom and I began the tradition of spending the day together. Family can plan parties and what-not in the evenings and weekends but we get the day for just each other. And in that tradition I get to surprise her with a special new place that she has never experienced. As traditions go, she makes sport out of trying to guess and pull the surprise location out of me and I always invent new ways of being two steps ahead of her in loving sarcasm and whit.
(By the way, Mom made those leis we are wearing)

This year, in honor of her island heritage, I picked a local Hawaiian restaurant that I had heard great reviews on. Oh my the 'ono grinds' (good food) we drooled over. Everything brought back so many memories for her and we couldn't decide which good things on the menu to have.

With the air outside being chilly and wet we opted to go simple and comfy. We started with appetizers of lumpia and manapua. I could have been happy and content with just that but we got more.

We both ordered medium 'auntie size' bowls of saimin with char siu pork, fried egg, green onion and cabbage. It was the real kind with home stock and everything. None of that pretend Top Ramen with a billion grams of salt.

Then when we thought we could eat no more, we were presented with birthday candles Hawaiian style. Our waitress had put a candle in our heavenly concoctions of coconut sorbet and mango sorbet. Again, they were the real things with frozen coconut milk in the half shell and frozen tropical island mango served in it's own skin as the bowl.

It was all such a wonderful day, such a memory filled weekend and I am grateful for every ounce of it.

Thank You God for memories and joys, celebrations, family and friends. Thank You for loving on us and taking delight in creating big and small all the things that make us smile.

Vegetarian Dogs

2011-12-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

If you have been here as a reader for a while, you know that I am nuts for my dogs and that each one holds a special place of healing in my heart over difficult journeys. This particular post is about my westie named Kekoa. I try to tell my stories in a short manner but it never seems to work for me. I apologize. So the abridged version here is: Kekoa was very sick and now is much better. If you'd like to know details, please keep reading.

Back in the end of September, Kekoa had a sudden acute allergy attack. He ran around the house absolutely miserable. His eyes became so swollen and red. He kicked up his feet like a bucking horse while trying to dig his paws into the carpet with all his might. He would lean up against me and sigh for comfort and then jump like he was being poked in multiple places. We had been on a walk that day so I thought maybe he walked in something. Giving him a bath proved useless and he acted like the water felt of fire. It took 3 separate doses of Benadryl* before he had relief enough for us all to be able to sleep the remaining hours of the night.

I was at the vet clinic when the doors opened the next morning. The vet agreed that maybe he walked in something, or maybe he swallowed a bee, or maybe it was sheet rock debris from the bathroom remodeling project we had going on, or maybe.......yeah maybe it could be anything because a 3 year old westie can show allergen aversions to anything under the sun. He gave Kekoa a steroid shot and orders for me to do Benadryl around the clock for 2 weeks to give his system time to sort itself out.

I followed orders and we made great progress. The kicking stopped, he slept and we were relieved.
It didn't last though. Every time I backed off the Benadryl he would begin to go after his paws with fevor and his eyes remained continuously red and swollen. 3 weeks later he broke out in hives and looked like he had measles from head to toe. His demeanor changed as well. Going outside wasn't fun. He didn't want to bark and protect anymore.

Another vet trip and I was giving him a daily dose of steroid. The steroid helped but it seemed every day was a day for monitoring. No matter what, I couldn't seem to find a pattern to solve the mystery. The only thing I knew that gave him comfort for sure was that he wanted me to hold him ALL the time. It broke my heart to see him so miserable. In my arms with his head on my shoulder was his constant preferred position. I could see he was losing weight and his skin lost elasticity. His skin was so red that it glowed under his coat. We cut off all of his hair so we could gain a better knowledge of what was happening. Poor guy was so cold I had to get him a sweater.

Almost 2 weeks ago I began a desperate strategy (with the approval of our vet) and started Kekoa on a vegetarian diet. After much research online I learned it to be quite the controversy but I didn't know what else to do for him that had hope of offering a solution.
Within 3 meals (a day and a half) I saw changes in him. Within 7 meals he was a new dog and so full of happiness. He had been sick for so long that I had forgotten what he was like well. He had been so ill over that period of time that I didn't realize just how sick he was getting and now I truly think his body was starting to shut down.

The change was so quick that I figure he developed a severe allergy to chicken. (Though chicken is good for us humans, it seems many dogs have an aversion to it.) One day on his road to recovery, I made his food with boiled eggs as the protein source. Bam! His health crashed again in a single day. I had to really scramble to get him to a place of comfort.

At this point, I don't know if he is allergic to meat proteins in general or if it is a chicken/chicken product allergy. I don't want to test him out on anything for a while. He is doing good with lentils, cottage cheese and soy beans/tofu being his protein source. Our vet is helping me research supplements. There are so many on the market and they all boast of being just what is needed. I want to make sure though that we are doing all that is possible. A diet lacking important nutrients will lead to cardiac issues down the road.

Now Kekoa has energy, wants to play, Conguito plays with him (that had stopped as well because dogs know), his eyes are no longer swollen and red, he is putting weight on, I can't see his ribs anymore, his skin bounces back, the fire red glow has been replaced by soft flesh colored skin and the hives are gone. He bounces, prances and teases. And even his output has increased with a desire to go out in the yard. He still has times of paw licking but it isn't with the intensity he had before.

I don't think that he is completely better yet but I am so very grateful for the progress that he has made. There is no denying that going vegetarian has made a huge difference in him. I think maybe now we are dealing with his body doing waves of purging all of the toxins out of his system as he intakes the healthy vegetable protein and loses the meat proteins that have been stored in his body.

It is simply crazy all that has happened. Remember those "nevers"? When I first started making dog food for 'my boys', I never imagined I would be graduating them to a vegetarian lifestyle. It is certainly interesting. There are some commercialized dog food brands that make vegetarian but making it myself is much more cost effective.
I have been spending much of my free time online researching recipes and daily nutritional health for dogs. I found some long term studies last night that show dogs to live longer on vegetarian foods and even longer on a vegan life style. For now I am following a basic recipe and supplementing with a multivitamin, omega 3 and brewers yeast. If you are on a health journey for your fuzzy friends and would like recipe guidance, I'd be happy to share what I have found so far.

Here are the boys this morning in their favorite spot. They love to look out the widow and be our protective surveillance. Conguito bounces between perches in the window like he is here and curling up on the sofa while Kekoa uses the arm rest to full advantage.

Thank You God for the joys, comforts and health of my dogs.

*You'd think that because my dog is only 20 lbs he would get an infant dose of histamine blocker. However, according to my vet, because a canine's metabolism is so high, they sometimes need as much medication as we do.

The Things I Do......

2011-12-06T06:30:00.000-08:00

I have written a couple of times on my struggles with talking myself through cello practice. No matter how much I talk myself along with being at peace, enjoying my time and doing all things in a place of contentedness with God; I still find myself cringing and getting so tense with each wrong note, each scratch of the bow along string like the sound of nails on a chalkboard. My family proclaims the encouraging, "Wow you are really progressing!" while I tell myself they are just saying that because they have to and each note must be making them hold their breath wishing they were some place else.

Despite those struggles, I think I have truly hit a changing point and I am so excited at the shift in perspective.

Where did the change come from? During Sunday evening service, our worship leader shared a God inspired image that made me feel like it was God singling me out in the crowd and reading my mind.

She said it is so amazing that we get to make music for God. God has the perfection of heaven all around Him. He hears melodies and harmonies of angel choirs and the resounding of all creation singing His praise. There are music notes, combinations of sounds and chords that we haven't even discovered and could never duplicate here on earth. It is like all of that is the grandest symphony ever being played in a gorgeous concert hall. It's a black tie affair and everything sparkles of crystal. And here we come in procession to share our talents, the likeness of a 1st grade Christmas program with bells and triangles in hand.

It conjures up images in my head of memories experienced that I have been to in supporting my children. I mouth each song along with them, tap my foot to each percussion succession, move in my seat to each dance step and shine with pride as if my children are the only ones performing. My pride swells no matter if they miss a beat or not. I clap for them and it is all considered beauty because they did it. They did what was on their hearts and shared with courage.

He is surrounded by such amazing beauty; yet none of that matters when we offer what we can. He sits on the edge of His seat. He silences everything around Him and with the great pride of being Papa says, "Wait a minute. I want to hear this. Look, she is doing this for Me. I put that passion and desire in her to make her delight. See her use it and it makes her smile. That is one of my many gifts to her and it brings Me joy."

Even now as I write this, I am tearing up and feeling tension leave me. I felt I made great progress in yesterday's practice. I didn't get frustrated. I didn't let the pride of perfection take a stand over joy. I lost myself for a time instead of watching the clock for freedom. I am looking forward to the last sleepy person waking up today so that I can practice more.

Do you know that those things we put ourselves down for, He wants us to jump up and down with in delight? The things we are learning and secretly pushing ourselves forward in, we have that desire because He placed it there to bless us. Don't hide your giftings. No matter what it is that you want to pursue; be it learning to organize, taking on a language, becoming a master chef, going back to school, riding a horse or even jumping out of a perfectly good airplane; those desires are there to encourage and stretch you because He wants you to live in His joy. Your desire to write a book, speak in front of a crowd, share His love with people who are under the impression they are unlovable; these are all His gifts to you.

Thank You God for Your encouragement, Your joy, Your perfect delight in us.Thank You for Your gifts and that You are always wanting us to increase in all we do.

November Flies By...

2011-11-27T21:34:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful for us. 20 of us spent the evening up with my family at Nana's home. Food, laughter and relaxing fellowship was the topic of the evening. We all made our contributions to the feast. Mom and Nana did the turkey and stuffing; while my cousin made scalloped potatoes and a yummy pudding fruit mixture. My sister-in-law did 4 amazing pies and I went over board with trying out new recipes. I made Cranberry Apple Chutney (pictured here), Ginger Glazed Sweet Potatoes, Chanterelle Green Bean Casserole and a huge batch of sweetened dinner rolls.

After feasting until our bellies were stuffed beyond belief, my cousin set us down and showed us her latest craft adventure, no sew Christmas Tree ornaments. I lost my surge of energy so mine is not quite finished yet. But here is my progress so far. It will be topped with a swatch of yo-yo coordinating fabric and then some ribbon for good measure.

It was such a treasured time to be together. Some highlights included....Our foster son coming by to surprise us with a visit that turned into 2 days of relaxing together and catching up on happenings. A dear new friend was able to share in our celebrations and she has now been lovingly "adopted" by my whole family. My little Miss Angel-girl still knows her Auntie and blessed me repeatedly with snuggle hugs and showers of adoration.

Now the new week is about to start and we are quickly rolling into December. Icca Chou and I are working on the wedding plans. Funny how there seems to be tons of time left and still not enough time for February 12th to arrive. At times we feel just about ready and at other times overwhelmed with all the tasks left to do. Then I remind myself that the best way to tackle anything is one task at a time.

My current task is to sew these little 4mm beads onto the lace trim of her wedding dress. The dress already has baby pearl and sequins accents but adding the aquamarine crystals really brings a unique touch to the princess design. By my calculations I figure to put roughly 120 bead accents on the dress and I am about 2/3 of the way finished. As with any project I do, I get so excited to see it all coming together.

In my other adventure, my cello practice is coming along. My instructor has given me a good handful of Christmas music to study and has been encouraging me to actually play before an audience. We usually do some sort of talent sharing this time of year, so I am trying to muster up the courage to commit to playing. Or better yet, asking our resident violinist if we could do an arrangement together. I know God keeps telling me not to compare and that He is proud of me just the way I am. But I do have to admit to feeling a small amount of trepidation at the thought of my 8 months of practice in comparison to her 25 years of playing. She (the violinist), as well as everyone else for that matter, are all such encouragers. It is my own self that I have to get out of the way. We will see what happens.

For the moment though, I see that the clock has clearly run away with me and my pillow is calling my name.

I pray that you have a blessed week in all that you do. While you set your feet and hands to all your tasks, know that you are loved by Papa God, creator of the universe. He did it all for you, to delight you and make you smile, to light up your world and cause you to know that no matter what circumstance you are in, you are truly surrounded by a never ending and unfailing love that holds onto you as the greatest treasure imaginable.

Never Say Never....

2011-11-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

Never say never.......

I always scoffed at the idea of buying clothes for pets. Not that I look down my nose at those who do because what others want to do is completely fine. I just personally never wanted to have a pet that needed that sort of attention. Funny thought considering how much I baby my fuzzy boys.

Oh well.....
So little Mr Conguito spent the first 5 years of his life in Texas where the weather was always warm and it seemed to never ever rain. Now that winter is setting in here in the NW with its winds and damp chills, we are finding this little boy trembles a lot.

Recently I was in Walmart holding up three little sweaters against my chest so that my daughter could take a cellular snapshot and get family opinion on which comfy knit to purchase for my fuzzy. A tall gentleman walked down the isle and stopped to size up our situation. He leaned over towards me and said, "They are all stylish for you but I am not sure they are quite your size."

I had to laugh as I thought of the funny implication and how God uses so many situations to teach me to watch my words and assumptions with that word....never.

I never thought I would not be baby-sitting my niece.
I never imagined I could actually pursue playing a cello.
I never pictured myself panicking at the results of a mammogram.
I never figured I would walk a 10 mile race.
I never believed I would be brave enough to get a tattoo.
I never thought I could get to this date, just a couple days shy of a year since Daddy passed, and not have tears fill my eyes with random thoughts of him.

When I look back over my experiences of the last year.....there are several things that I had labeled as an imagined never. They are things that I had put limits on. Thank God He has a different plan in mind that He has mapped out for me. He believes in me so much more than I give myself credit for doing. He sees me in my potential and giftings without limitations. As a matter of fact, He see us all that way.....complete and whole in Him.

Thank You God for your goodness and Your plan for us.

18 Years Old

2011-11-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Is that a happy face or what? She is thrilled for sure.
This is a snap shot of Puddin' that I took today. It is her 18th birthday. As if that wasn't enough, she passed her driver's test today and she also became a registered voter. So for all practical purposes, my Puddin' is now considered an adult by society.

We did a party tonight at my mom's house. The menu was all special foods requested by Puddin. It was the oddest combination of comfort foods that are mainstays in our home and consisted of ricee (a sweet steamed rice flour dessert), manapua, grilled cheese sandwiches, mochi, and a veggie platter for good measure. I also made a white and chocolate 4 layer cake for everyone to enjoy. It was a fun evening and she is elated with emotion after a full day of fun, love and honor.

How am I with all of it? I too loved the day and am so thrilled for her. But secretly inside, I am wrestling with this thought of my baby hitting these milestones all at once. When the others that hold my heart hit their milestones, I celebrated each action as a rite of passage. I knew they would make independent decisions that might affect them in the negative and I chalked up the eventuality of it as a future learning experience. This time though, I want nothing more than to put my baby girl into a protective bubble.

Do I not trust her decision making skills? No that's not it.
I think it is because it is a milestone for me as well. When the others made their growing steps, I celebrated with them while in tandem keeping my focus on the younger ones that still needed me.

Do I think I am not needed any longer? No I know that isn't true. As much as I am now 40 years old and still look for the friendship and insight of my own mom, I know I am not about to be cast aside like a worn tennis shoe.
It does however mean that my role is quickly coming to a time of change.

I laugh at myself at this revelation that I always knew would come and yet here it sits on my doorstep with a big surprise bow on it. These seasons of change seem to be coming with more speed, like they are doing a tag team relay and I am the baton that must go each step of the way.

I am so very thankful though. With all of this speed and change, Thank You God that You are the author of it all and You know how it all works together to create a beautiful original work of art.

Here is a thought that I heard on the radio that really makes me pause....
What if only the things I was thankful for yesterday were the things I had today. Then what would today look like?

My goodness, how much that makes me pause and wonder.....in between the "I need this and that" and the "I have to run now".....did I express my thankfulness for my plenty?

Hmmmmm......

God bless you richly this week and know this: You are loved with a mighty love by God and you have a destiny of purpose that is filled with a hope and future.

To Fear Or Not To Fear

2011-10-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Recently someone said something to me that has turned my world topsy-turvy. I have since been chewing on it, trying it on for size and finally deciding that it is complete truth that needs to be added to my daily learning. May I take you on the ride with me in hopes of being encouragement to you as well?

His statement went something like this....

'In our daily habits we find it so easy to label fear as a feeling. We say it all the time, "I feel scared." or "I feel afraid." But the truth that I want to suggest to you is that fear is not a feeling. In actuality, it is a spirit.

2 Timothy 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

This verse refers to having God's love, a calm well disciplined mind balanced and self control as being a spirit. This, I have always believed, comes from the presence of God living in us when we choose to have Him in our daily and eternal lives. The concept of knowing God can change my attitudes and emotions and fill my thoughts with ideas of His goodness; yes those things I understood.

But the idea that fear is a spirit....well this is new to me.
As I said before, I have been thinking about this statement a lot and it is exploding in my mind with shock waves of implication. Not only in this verse, but in others that I found as I was researching for myself, God refers to fear as a spirit. If it is a spirit then it does not belong in my DNA makeup.

Does that mean that I will never ever have fear again?
No. On the contrary, I do have times of fear. What it does mean is that when I recognize that fear is on me, I can choose to say, "Fear is not a spirit that comes from God so it does not have to grip and take control of me. Instead, I choose to have a spirit of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self control."

To me, that is a very empowering notion to be able to do. It also makes me want to apply it to other unwanted feelings that run through me. Thoughts of doubt, self esteem, self centering, depression, stress, anger.....these things do not belong to God so they do not have to belong to me either.

As I go about my daily things, I have been super charged with thoughts of.....
I choose joy.
I choose to think with a sound mind.
I choose to be loving and calm.
I choose....

Thank You God for your joy, your love and your spirit that You give with delight to all who ask.

October-fest

2011-10-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

October has come in like the wind that carries it. The air has a chill as it pulls through the leaves of color falling to the ground. While we are nailing down the house in preparation of winter's delights, October also brings about celebrations for us. It is the month of our anniversary and this year made 22 years strong.

Hubby and I decided to take off for 4 wonderful days and head up north in exploring new countrysides. We booked our resort in Birch Bay, Washington located just 7 miles from the USA / Canada border. Neither of us have a current passport, so crossing the border was never an option. But hiking trails and exploring the local culture always makes for a time of refreshing.

From the moment we checked in, we felt so very celebrated. When we said we were there to celebrate, we were given a gift bag with a bottle of sparkling cocktail, chocolate mints and these adorable little toy ducks.

Speaking of being blessed, it seemed that everywhere we went we made friends. One couple that lives up there takes great sport in crabbing for Dungeness all through the season. Then with their freezer stocked piled, they delight in giving it all away. I had tasted real crab only once before and was not impressed. I didn't want to offend them so I took all the fixings with a big smile and thank you and figured if nothing else, we would have a grand adventure of trying something new. Oh my goodness! Dungeness Crab fresh from the bay is so amazing! Hubby and I smacked our lips as we ate 4 crabs with salad, bread and our bottle of celebration cocktail until out tummies were round as beach balls.

As I said before, we hiked a lot during our stay. We pulled out our letterboxing kit and blew the dust off. It was good to explore the area while gaining insights to the area from our clue maps. The thrill of finding our treasure was quick to infect us with that old fever of treasure hunting delight and we began discussing other areas to explore or plant treasure boxes even before we were finished with the task finding at hand.

Here we are in Semiahmoo Marine Park. Thought it is hard to see in this picture, right behind us and across the bay is the border crossing and Peace Arch Park. It was beautiful to sit here and watch the wildlife. The locals have taken great care in preserving the area for nature and it seems all live together with pride of harmony.

Peace Arch Park is a beautiful area where both counties work together to create an environment of unity in honor of peace. Visitors can picnic and take pictures in this small boundary land while having the thrill of saying they literally crossed the boundary line of countries without the pains of passports and such. Everywhere I looked there were people like us with their cameras clicking away. There were also border crossing guards everywhere just to make sure everyone was indeed safe. We noticed one gentleman sitting alone on a park bench and then another gentleman walked over and sat on the opposite end for a time and then left. It was like an espionage movie. I didn't think much about it but the border patrol sure did. They were on those two quick with all sorts of questions. Needless to say, we didn't stick around to see the outcome.

My camera was faithful seemed permanently attached to my hands as shots were everywhere to be taken. This is a picture of Mt. Baker as seen from the marina at Semiahmoo Resort. I am told that it rains up there as much as it does down here in Portland. But we were blessed with these blue sunny skies all weekend for our delight.

Papa God how grateful I am for the beautiful colors You created.

Here are a couple of sunset shots I took in the evenings while hiking.

I loved the wisp of the clouds in the picture above.

Below, I was laying on the shore taking shots as the sun set.

Hubby was having fun casting rocks and we happened to time everything just right to get this shot.

We loved our trip and are already discussing when to go back.

Once we drove back into our city, the schedules we waiting at the door for us. There is work, office, the hub-bub of teen/young adult energy in the house, play practices, wedding plans, job interviews and the last of our babies about to be 18 and driving. Phew! It makes my head threaten to go light headed as I take in and savor each moment with the pride and joy of being a mom to my own as well as all of my heart adopted children.

But that is not all of the updates.
Our son called the morning after we got back. I was unpacking and sorting when he begged the question, "Hey Mom, what are your plans today?" He tried to sound casual but I know him too well. He and his wife had gotten up that morning and decided a drive would be fun and spontaneous. They had put the baby girls in the car and were on the 6 hour drive to surprise us.

Oh my goodness how quickly they grow! And even though we had not seen them in 5 months, they were both so quick to allow us to love on them and share special moments.

This is my little Miss Izabell. She is now 8 months old.

Those big blue eyes get me every time.

This is my little Miss Abbigail. She will be 2 years old in a couple of weeks.

She also has those piercing blue eyes.

It was a quick over night visit but we were so grateful for the time. They say they will be back over the summer with all 5 of the grand children. That will be a blast. We will have to make plans for great fun.

Thank You God for treasures of all shapes and sizes.

Thank You for the celebration of time and the provisions of fun places to do it in.

By Nature....

2011-09-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

By nature, I am not a morning person. Laying snuggled under the covers after a late night of reading or video watching is my preferred mode of habit. But there is something to be said of getting up as the day is waking. The smells of a September morning are so rich an full. The air mingles of leaves turning and the last of the blackberries ripening in their thorny homes. Today as I walked, a thick fog rolled out in a blanket that clung to the butte and it seemed to carry its own aroma; a mixture of moisture and the deep dark soil it covered.

As the seasons change, I am finding change happening in my life as well.
I no longer am caring for my sweet precious niece. Her mama followed a conviction to stay home and they are so happy now. I must admit, though I love being around that little girl, God met me with my own conviction that I was trying to help them with my strength and will instead of His. There I was trying to be the all in all for someone else in my own strength and determination but then refusing to listen when I would lament to God that the time for my own desires had disappeared. It does indeed make for a picture easily solved as a spectator but so complex as a participant.

So, this week I have found myself pulling in and re-examining my wants and dreams. I don't feel like the walls are threatening to close in on me anymore.
I have begun to take walks again. That makes the fuzzy boys very happy as well as the benefits of loosening up the joints of this body that doesn't feel as young as my mind intends it to be.
I am thinking about my food choices and using my juicer every day instead of wishing someone else could make choices for me.
My cello doesn't have dust on it any longer and its song is becoming more melodic as the screeching scratches disappear.

Moments have presented themselves this week where I have thought to say in different situations, "sure I can do that" or "let me take care of that for you". But then I feel an imagined slap on my wrist, a tsk tsk in the air and a breath of calming hush come over my spirit.

Thank You God that seasons change.
Thank You that You are patient and ever so loving in Your unending grace and peace.

God bless you richly today in all that you do.

Accidents Happen

2011-09-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

Thank You God for protecting everyone and keeping us safe. Our vehicles need band-aids but people are fine. Thank You that the person who hit me is responsible, caring and has insurance. Thank You that despite the adrenaline, You gave me the awareness to pray. That blessed her so greatly to know that I cared about her and didn't harbor anger.

What Is The Truth....

2011-09-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Things are going well here on the home front. The summer flew by and ended with Hubby and Puddin' running in the Hood 2 Coast relay; he for the 5th time and she for the 2nd time. They have fond memories of it all. What was my role in the whole extravaganza? I made meals for them, got the house ready for the team to crash on the couches and feel refreshed after showers. I also cheered them on at the finish line. Actually it wasn't just I at the finish line. Pippin and The Poet were there too. No wait a minute......they wandered off lost in each others eyes and didn't actually see when the team crossed the finish line. They are oh so very cute together. But that is another story isn't it.

Now Puddin' has finished her 3rd day of school as a senior and is loving the whole thing. She set everything up so that she has half days and gets out at 11am. What teenage girl wouldn't love a schedule like that? Actually she is signed up to take a 2 weekend class on lifeguard certification. Then she plans to work her afternoons at one of the many indoor community center pools we have in the area.

So......
The real reason I set myself down today is because I want to share something. I will probably trip all over myself in effort to find the right words but the point is to eventually get it all out. I won't even go over and over what I write in effort to make it spin and be attractive the way I like it to be. I will just type and publish to get it out of my system.

I have been thinking a lot about Daddy, about San Antonio, about memories, about......about all of it.
It is not that I am not living in the now. I truly have many things to do and find purpose in every day. It is just that my time frame is still all scrambled. What do I mean by that? Well, without meaning to, I look at the date and think "last year at this time I was_______" and then fill in the blank with any sort of care giving for Daddy that I did. Or Hubby and the girls will say, "remember last year when we did_______" and I have to say that I was not a part of that. Those are just small trickles in a whole sea of trigger examples.

I love my memories. I truly do. They are my treasures that can't be bought for any price but earned by love.
But memories can also be overwhelming. I have found myself asking God, "When will it be that I don't have to finish sentences with ....I was in Texas?"

I have set down so many times to write family back there and end up staring at my laptop screen lost in memories. I don't pick up their phone calls because while I know the best thing to do is to say "I love you" .....I still don't know what to say.

All of the above I know simply will take time to deal with. I have to give myself grace and patience.

There is another area I have been dancing around that tries to rob me of reason and it wants to be so complicated. That matter is my faith. Before I go any farther I adamantly say No I am not struggling with my faith. God is so real, so true, so alive and I am so grateful.

My struggle comes into play with the amazing things I am learning. Bad things happen because we live in brokenness and it is only by trusting in God that those things truly get fixed. I am learning that sickness is not God's plan. Time and time again I see and hear of people being healed. I see and hear on a regular basis that even doctors have no explanation and can only attribute things to being a miracle. I have even heard recently of people coming back to life because of some one's fortitude to not give up in prayer.

I think it is all so amazing. I think it is all so God and incredible.
But without realizing what is going on in my head, I let the whispers start.
The whispers said, Your daddy died because you didn't have faith enough to heal him. Because of you and your lack of belief your daddy died. You were the example for everyone. You failed them and you failed him.

I knew and do know the truth. Yes God's standard is that we have completeness in Him now. We do not have to struggle so deeply in despair and look forward to that undisclosed time when we are put out of misery and sent to heaven. The truth is that God purposes for us to live heaven on earth. He purposes for us to celebrate each day in victory. That is real victory, not "let's pretend victory". The truth is that God's standard is for everything to be fixed now and when that doesn't happen it is not because something or some one failed. It is because for greater unknown reasons it is the exception to the rule.

I would go through all of that in my head and fight back the whispers. But they would creep in when least expected and wear me down.
I kept hearing God tell me to go back to my journal entries and re-claim the whys of going to Texas. He wanted me to remember all of the miracles, the joys and the memories.
I fought it though. Looking through the memories meant I would have to view the hurts as well and I didn't want that. I kept telling myself that if I just stayed busy and occupied it would sort itself out.
Yeah....that is no way to handle a problem....especially a lie.

This morning I gave in. I had a handful of hours to myself and resolved to look, to make note of and to celebrate.
Oh my goodness there were so many things I had forgotten, so many joys, so many miracles, so much healing. Yes some things made me cry. But it was a different cry. It was an embracing and owning cry. If it makes any sense....all I can say is that instead of those memories owning me - I own them.

This afternoon I have a smile and a fresh feeling that I haven't had in a while.
Daddy was definitely healed. No it was not a complete physical healing. He was healed in his heart, in his identity of who he is in God. Lives were changed, hearts were shared. So much happened that wouldn't have happened any other way. No God did not purpose for Daddy to get cancer. But He sure used it to bring so much unexpected good into the lives of many.

I learned that going through my journal and taking small notes on all of my time there....that brought about 16 pages of miracles and important things that would not have happened if I had not been there. I didn't fail anyone. I did the best that I could.

Thank You God for your truth, for your patience and purpose. Thank You for being always here and there and everywhere at the same time.

Encountering Love.....

2011-08-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

My house is quite this morning. It is not normally like this but Angel-girl is not here today. I have the windows open. The weather is giving us a reprieve from the heat by blessing us with a cuddly grey sky. I have quiet worship playing and the fuzzy boy dogs are flanked on each side of me as I sit here on the couch with my (San Antonio Starbucks) coffee cup and you. Hmmm….It makes me let out a contented sigh.

………Goodness, I lost myself in picturing you here with me.

What shall I write about this morning?

Can I share something with you? Last month I had an encounter with Jesus. I have been trying to figure out how to put it all to words and have now decided that it will happen as I type. I want to share it because I believe with all my heart it is something that is meant for you too.

In this encounter, I found myself standing with Jesus. We were in a grassy field and I had the freedom to shake off my own self doubt concepts and know that I could talk with Jesus about anything. Specifically I was told that I needed ask Jesus what He thought of me. That can be a bold and intimidating thing to ask but only because of those self doubts. The reality is that we can ask anything at all and He is right there to answer.

In response to my question, Jesus didn’t say anything. Instead He looked at me and smiled. It wasn’t a full faced smile but more of a soft smile that hints emotion filled eyes. He took me in his arms and gave me a big hug. You know the kind of hug like Daddy would give, where it was a tender safe hug that wrapped around you and filled you with a sense of protection that never ended? IT was that kind of hug. At the same time He hugged me, He pressed my head against his chest so that my ear was on the sound of His heart beat. This is the part that overwhelms me every time. His heart beat was not the regular “bump-bump” sound that we are used to. Instead of that sound, His heart beat was the sound of my name. With each beat of my name a wave of His glorious love rippled out around and beyond us. That ripple affected change to everything in its path.

In the exact moment that I heard and felt that experience, I also knew that it is how He feels about each one of us. That image and feeling is made for each one of us. He jumps up and down for us in His excitement. He is wildly in love with us. He moves mountains for us and created the world for us. But more than that, He is passionately tender over us and carries us in His heart. He is our reason for living. And I realized WE are HIS reason for being.

The whole experience lasted only a split second. It is amazing how much God can deposit into us within the folds of our finite measurement of time. Though it was a second of time, it has been my most constant thought ever since. I want to encourage you to do the same. Carry it with you and know that you are loved at this very moment just the way you are; complete in Him.

Better yet, ask your own question to God and wait for His answer. I promise you won’t be sorry.

Birthdays Galore.....

2011-08-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Miss Angel-girl (now officially 2 years old) and I played in the back yard. I was trying to capture a glimpse of her happy self in the sunshine but realized afresh that it is next to impossible to click a picture un-blurred. Instead I opted for this action photo that captures her every day happenings. Good golly she is a healthy and energetic little thing. She loves to "bouncy-bounce" on the trampoline, "cook" in the playhouse and admire "flutterflies" before the sun gets hot and her tummy hungry.

Yesterday we celebrated Pippin's birthday....20 years old. My, my, my..... It wasn't her official day but we had postponed festivities since she worked a double shift on her celebrated day to cover for someone needing time off.

While Angel-girl was napping I sort of went nuts with cake decorating. Normally my bend is to leave the cake in a 9x13 glass dish and frost the top of it. If I remember to buy candles then it is really special and the birthday person feels quite lucky. As you can see; something got into me this year. Chocolate inside with fresh strawberries in the layers and cream cheese frosting outside with yummy color and pizazz.

Here is a fun shot of Puddin', Pippin and (hmmmm what shall I nickname him) The Poet. The Poet is...The Guy.....the one that seems to be stealing my Pippin's heart. He made her some jewelry for her birthday, bought her a favorite book she has been drooling over AND showed up with a dozen orange roses.

The 3 of them together all had fun cracking jokes through the evening, creating impromptu games at the dinner table and then learned how to play jacks while sitting on the kitchen floor with my mom and Nana.

Pippin my lovely baby-girl, which you will always be no matter how old you are, I have so much in my heart I want to say and can't find the words to express them. I love you and am so very proud of you.

Patrick...

2011-08-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at the office multi-tasking. I had SOZO Ministry, Youth Ministry and general admin. thoughts rolling through my head and onto my keyboard while a youth worship session was revving up in the next room. The night was super charged with emotion and expectation. It seemed as though time hung still in the air as youth shifted their focus away from all of their normal distractions. That alone was a window of time to be privileged in witnessing, but then I became involved in another matter entirely.

I was introduced to a visitor named Patrick. His life has been so very rough thus far; in and out of homes and currently in yet another halfway house. His red eyes were filled with tears and swam with unbridled emotions of vulnerability, shame and awe. He wanted to stay but had told his shift leader at the home he would be back by 8pm. He was 45 minutes late and without a ride. I showed him to my car and silently drove along while I gave him space to process and swallow all he was wrestling with.

Finally I said, "Patrick I think you have had an experience tonight with God. I am so glad you enjoyed the evening."
That brought on a new wave of emotion as he tried to calm his breathing and said, "I don't know why I am so emotional at church. This always happens to me. It scares me. I just.....I mean.....I know this is where I want to be but I have done so many wrong things.......so many......I have to make up for that. It is really hard."

"Patrick, I think that maybe being emotional is scary because when we show our heart feelings like that, we show our vulnerability. Society gives the impression that we are supposed to be strong and act untouchable. But when we show our emotions we are sharing our inner most tenderness and leave ourselves exposed to the possibility of being affected. Patrick, you say that you have things to make up for. What is really so very cool about God is that.....all those things....He knew them before they happened.....and He loves you anyway just the way you are at this very moment. He loves you with more than a 'hey I love you man' type of attitude. He loves you for real with an emotion that makes Him burst from the inside out with passionate intensity that doesn't end. He jumps up and down with excitement for you and is ecstatic because you are His. He is proud of you and wants you to know it."

That brought on a fresh wave of tears as he said, "But you don't know how much I have been hurt. Being emotional like this brings up all of those hurts......and it REALLY hurts."

"Patrick, being hurt is horrible. It stinks, it sucks, it isn't fair and should never happen. But it does happen because everyone else is hurting too. Everyone hurts each other first so that they don't get hurt themselves. It is so wrong. But here is the deal; I don't know if you have had opportunity to hear this from God just yet but do you know that because God is always with us, He feels everything that we feel. He cries when we cry, He hurts when we hurt and He smiles when we smile. Plus because He loves us so much and has such passion for us, He feels all of those things even more than we do."

Patrick's eyes got really big as he tried to take all of that in; the knowledge that his pain is never alone, that his heart is not a dark secret.

All too soon we were at his home and I smoothed the tardy curfew over with the shift leader. It ended with that person saying as long as Patrick is doing church related events he can be gone as long as needed.

I don't know what will happen next for Patrick. But I know that God loves him, has His hand in his life and won't let go. He promises to make good come out of all things.

God bless you and your day today.

I Can't Sleep.....

2011-08-06T00:43:00.000-07:00

Every now and again I have a day where I can stay in my pajamas all day and play hide-n-seek from responsibility. But by and large I feel the word "busy" accentuates my every day. I know it is my own doing and I am the only one who can truly say "no" or "stop" or "go away". So why don't I set better boundaries with myself?
Maybe because the first thing I always think of is that I never want to look back on life and wish I would have done more.

........I am sitting here staring at the screen and wondering how to put to words what I am feeling and ........oh I don't know.

Here are some random thoughts....

Last week I took my brother and his family to the airport so they could go visit family back east. I was absolutely floored with the memories that were triggered when I stood on the curb hugging him goodbye and praying with him. Dejavu' washed over me as I remembered the last time I did that. It was when they were flying to Texas to see Daddy. I mustered up the biggest smile ever as I waved goodbye and tried to shake it all off.

Yesterday Hubby mentioned, "Hey I saw your dad when I was driving home today". It was so weird how I know full well he was referring to my dad, my mom's husband, the man I love so dearly and has been such a centrifugal part of our lives for so long.....but in my mind I pictured Daddy and it took my breath away that made my adrenalin rush and hands shake.

Despite what those to situations would lead you to believe, I don't think of Daddy every second of the day anymore. And I can think of him without despair or swallowing pain.

While my brother and his family were gone on vacation we took care of their golden retriever. I forgot what it was like to have a big dog around here.

Speaking of dogs; I have been making food for Kekoa and Conguito instead of buying bags of kibble. I know, you can laugh. My friend Rose said, "Wow that is a whole lot more than a doggie car seat," which is an inside joke for us. The fuzzy boys love it of course. It costs slightly more than the kibble and takes more of my time but it sure is turning out to be more healthy for them.

Icca Chou, the girl that is currently living with us, is now engaged to be married. It has been an interesting time. The wedding is set for February of this next year. There is lots to plan and do. I am trying to make suggestions without being pushy. I am not the mama.........I don't know how to finish that thought.

Tony, is now in a half way house. He comes by once a week or so to do laundry and get a good meal or two. He is trying to fight his way through recovery and I am so proud of him. He has times when he wants to spiral and I have to be oh so very hard on him.

Pippin has found herself quite taken with a young man. It has been adorable to watch things unfold. Five months ago they caught each others eye and played awkward with blushing glances and silly cheesy smiles. Last month they decided to "officially" get to know one another more. I really like him too. He has upstanding character and enhances her qualities. He challenges her to stretch her independence without causing her to become someone she is not. I must admit that after some things happened a few months back with some other young men in our lives, I really didn't want to like this one. I wanted to live on planet No Boys Allowed where the hurts of complications don't happen. But he has chipped away at that protective layer and gained my respect. Only God knows what will happen from here.

A couple of days ago I started working on a baby quilt. It is one I had bought material for back in April but hesitated on starting because of the sadness of my old machines. Now that I have a handy dandy new machine I figured it was time to learn how to use it. This is for our newest grand-baby, Isabelle born in November. Another day or two and it will be finished. I will mail it off to her and she will have it before she turns a year. That is okay isn't it?

I bought material today to make flags for dance worship. I have completely come to love dance worship. It transports me out of myself, my circular thoughts and reminds me that there is so much more that is bigger and better to dwell on. I am anxious to try and make these flags. I hope I can make them well. I have hesitated for a while because I feared messing them up and wasting money. But I have decided that not trying is the bigger mistake. I must just try and learn from there.

My cello lessons are going well and I am so encouraged. I have learned that it really is a good hobby for me. Because I am left handed AND administratively minded, bridging both sides of my brain can be quite the ordeal at times. Some days it takes me a good 10 minutes of warm ups with my brain telling my hands, fingers and arms to do different things before I stop screeching and play corretly. It is therapy. It soothes me.
I sold the cello (Carlotta) that was too big for me and am renting a 3/4 sized one at the moment. I dislike the idea of renting but I want to learn a few more months of appreciating sound and quality before laying down money on the perfect instrument for me.

Okay, I think I can sleep now.
God bless you richly and know that no matter what, you are infinitely and completely loved by the Creator God.

Fun At The Pool

2011-06-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we started swim lessons at the local community pool. She is quite at ease in the water as you can tell. I am so grateful her parents trust me enough to do this with her. I have multiple reasons for wanting the class.

1) Swimming and being safe by water is important to learn before fear sets in.

2) It is something for us to do together besides just being at home.

3) It channels her energy and learning while guaranteeing a nap after lunch.

Speaking of guaranteed naps, good grief how did I do this with my girls so long ago? haa haa It is because I was 20 years younger. I am so grateful Puddin' came to help me yesterday with the showers and such. I was wiped out for the rest of the day and wanted a nap myself.

Well off to class. We are scheduled for Monday-Friday for the next 2 weeks.

Blessings to you today.

Having Park Fun.....

2011-06-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

This morning Pippin and I took Angel-girl to the park. So much fun! And let me tell you how grateful I am that Pippin was free and not working this morning. Goodness I just can't follow that little girl around into all those nooks and crannies at the park like I did 20 years ago with my own girls.

Here are some highlights of the morning...

Angel-girl is fixated with flowers....or as she currently calls them "fowlers". Any small petal type of plant coming out of the ground that has color is fair game for her interrogation of plucking, smelling, showing and dissecting.

As fast as her little legs could take her, she was all over the park with smiles and squeals and curiosity pouring from her fingertips.

I think this picture is one of the most precious. It symbolizes to me how our little treasures grow and change so quickly to take on the world with independence and joy.

"Hi Auntie" she said as she peeked through the opening and navigated the moving stairs.
Goodness she is changing so quickly. Up and down those stair she went with ease and no help. And that particular set of jungle gym exercise freedom was a set of 6 free floating steps that moved individually from side to side. She was quite proud of herself.

Can you hear her?
"Fowler Auntie.....Lellow Fowler".

That statement was of course followed by a funny nose sniff sniff....

Thank You God for Your beauty and grace, for Your treasured times and creation. Thank You for making colors and smells just to intrigue us and make us smile as we discover and enjoy.

It's Not ....

2011-06-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

This year I am 40 years old. It means lots of things.
It means I have a measure of wisdom from experience. It means I don't care as much anymore about looking like a cute little thing. It means I value my time differently as it seems to go fleetingly faster with each passing year and month.
It also means that I now have to have annual mammograms. (ha! You thought I was going down a different road right?)

Yes, last month I had my first mammogram. I learned that it is not the terrorizing and painful thing that the table talk makes it out to be. I learned that it is very discreet and not humiliating and aside from my own worries of not wearing deodorant for a period of time, it isn't a big deal.

The technician doing my pictures was so nice. She made an awkward thing easy. I even laughed when she showed me my pictures and I joked that she was a good photographer. She explained to me that with the doctors wanted to get good baseline images so the chances were high that I would get called back for more re-takes. The call to re-schedule did not alarm me.

I did the follow up appointment yesterday. I thought it was odd that the technician focused so much on my family history of cancer and asked me the same questions over and over again. This time the photo focus was a bit more pinpointed and the machine needed to be cranked down more. A little pinching but not a big deal.

The thing that threw me was when she told me to go in the next room for an ultrasound. No one had told me I needed that as well. I followed along and willed my mind to not listen to anything. It was just routine and they were being thorough. I pictured my doctor doing my exam and telling me there was nothing there.

But still, I know just enough hospital protocol to get myself in trouble. This was more than a fuzzy spot from breathing. I finally let myself ask the tech if the ultrasound was routine and she remarked that it was no big deal. She said there was no cause for alarm. The radiologist just wanted to examine the density mass more closely.

Density mass? No one told me anything about that!

I laid on the table alone with my thoughts while she left the room to go over data.
I tried hard to tell my thoughts to shut up and think of nothing. But still they wandered.
I thought about my cousin and aunt who both had breast cancer. I thought of my grandfather dying from a brain tumor and of course my dad and everything we went through so recently.

In those seconds that seem to go on for eternity, I thought about what my response would be.
What would I proclaim? What would I do? I would stay calm and trust.
Would I go radical? Does shape matter? I would get rid of everything.
Would I lose my hair? It would be cool to not have arm and leg hair.
I have always thought scarves were very stylish but I think I would want a hat like Loree's.
Of course Diane never lost her hair....so remember every one is different.
How would my daily schedule change? It doesn't HAVE to change.
What would my attitude be? I would look at each day fresh and new just like I always do.

Then she came back into the room and said, "The radiologist says it they are just a couple of cysts and we will see you next year. Sorry for any concern we may have caused."

I gotta admit I didn't know what to think or how to react. Up until 15 minutes prior I had no clue there was even an issue. How quickly things could have changed.....but they didn't. It was just a regular appointment all done and I could drive away to my next event.

Papa God, thank You for health, for You being in charge...no mater what. Thank You for timing and that I didn't have days to dwell on possibilities. Thank You for keeping my head on straight.

Have a blessed and amazing week. Know above all else that you are loved with an everlasting love that is more powerful than anything in this world.

Basking, A Song of God's Love

2011-06-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

The warmer weather is teasing us here in the NW. Yesterday it was so warm that Hubby pulled the window units out of storage. Now today it is 60 degrees again and the threat of rain looms overhead for the afternoon plans. That is okay though. I love it all.

I want to share this video below. It is my Puddin'-girl performing at her school's spring choir concert. Hard to tell in the video what she is holding but, it is her ukulele that she bought 2 months ago and taught herself to play. After playing for 2 weeks, she came out of her room with this song; a song she wrote for God. I can't help it.....I am ever so proud of her.

I pray this blesses your day.

Beauty...

2011-05-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

I couldn't decide which photos to share so I picked my top 3 to post here. These stargazer lilies were given to me Sunday night by Icca Chou and her beau.....just because. I absolutely love their smell. As I sit here typing away at various tasks, I keep stopping to look up at their beauty just beyond my laptop.

For some reason, that I haven't taken the time to ponder and figure, the depth of these lilies remind me of something I did a couple of days ago. I was running errands in Wal-Mart and made myself do something. I purposed to walk in all of the places that would conjure memories of being in Texas with Daddy. Then as each wave hit, I made myself walk slow....breathe.....and told myself out loud that this is a different time and I am safe and I am fine. I made myself take in the differences all around......smells, sounds, accents.
I feel that I accomplished something that day.

Thank You God for your beauty and encouragement.

Things That Make Me Smile....

2011-05-17T22:19:00.000-07:00

These two beautiful tulips have sprung up the last couple of years on the side of my driveway. The thing is....I never planted them. None of my neighbors have anything that resembles these bright yellow orange blessings. Before we lived here, this land was grazing land for milking cows and that was more than 17 years ago so it is not like they were dormant for a season. All I know is that they make me stop and smile and find myself grateful for color and life.

These blossoms are from the Apple Blossom tree in our backyard. We had two of these trees side by side but Hubby cut one down last year because of the branches going over into the neighbor's yard. I had to laugh when I saw there are new branches sprouting in defiance. The thing about these trees is that they are hybrid grafted to be non fruit bearing blossom trees. Despite that, every year we have shiny apples in our backyard.

Sweet little Conguito is always trying to get in the middle of something just to make sure he gets maximum exposure opportunities for getting loved on.....and who could resist that face?

My amazing Kekoa....while it is hard for him to be photogenic much of the time, he makes up for it by constantly making sure I am protected, I have a warm lap and a wet face full of special kisses.

Pippin is always grabbing my camera when I am not looking. She snaps these self portraits for me to find later and laugh at.

Puddin' who is awesomely inspiring as she pushes through her intense schedule of school and music and still has a smile on her face and heart.

My sweet little Angel-girl, full of energy, smiles, questions and joy.

Oh-oh, I don't have a current picture of Hubby. Sadness. I will have to work on that.
There are many other things that make me smile but more pictures must be taken because each day holds opportunity for joy and love.

Blessings to you today.

May 2011

2011-05-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to sit down so many times and write, but when my screen is in front of me I find myself full of emotion and blank on words. There has been much to happen in the past few weeks. Often I have a snippet of a few sharing sentences that I make mental note of to share but they become lost or forgotten once I am at the computer.

This won’t be a well written post by any means. I will try to put together things as they come to mind. Thank you for …..well, I just thank you.

~~~~~

I wrote in my last post about our foster son. I have not heard from him since I dropped him off at the MAX Transit station that day. He had showered, slept and eaten well in that 24 hours and I packed him containers of food to go. I don’t know if they were all the right things to do. Was I helping or enabling? I don’t think it really matters. It was my mother’s heart meeting him in what he needed at the time. Where is he now? I don’t know but I am choosing to hope that he did check into a rehab center and is in the “blackout” phase of his treatment and not allowed to make contact with anyone. God knows where he is and He can help him so much more completely than I could ever hope to.

~~~~~

A couple of weekends ago we drove up to Spokane to see our children and grandchildren. It was a great weekend. The children are growing like weeds and oh so full of character. I wish there was a way we could be closer in distance and see them more often. But our roots are firmly planted and delight in the quiet rain of the northwest while they are drawn to all that Spokane has to offer their young families.

We smiled as the 10 year old obsessed over the pangs of his first crush, smirked as the 5 year old tried to continually “mother” and “handle” everyone around, cuddled with the 3 year old that can never get enough hugs, laughed outright when the 18 month old ran around “honking” her nose with dimpled cheeks and most definitely we sighed plenty while holding our new 9 week old little granddaughter.

While we were there we did the big annual Bloomsday route. Hubby ran it with his brother while I walked it with a whole handful of relatives. The actual route was 7.5 miles. But by the time we parked, found our designated starting point, did the route with 50,000 other people, formed another line to pick up our finishing t-shirt and then found the car again…..it was over 10 miles.

I did it! I am so proud of myself. A year ago I was walking pretty regular. But being in Texas with my dad and then coming back home to rain and snow has kept my muscles in a fairly jello state. I was worried they would have to scrape me off the ground. We did the whole thing in just under 3 hours. Considering we had a baby stroller, my 75 year old mother-in-law, numerous bathroom breaks and having to re-group to find our people…..I think we did amazing. I venture to say I may even do it again next year.

~~~~~

This is the time of year for Puddin’ to be going all over the place with her choir groups for end of year competitions. Last weekend they were in the state finals and placed 10^th. The group was a bit disappointed but I think it is something to be proud of. Tuesday night they had their big spring concert. Puddin’ had been telling me all along that she had a solo for one of the songs. Little stinker didn’t say that she was going to be singing harmony duets for the whole song. I posted it on youtube so that I could share. It is just a video clip from my camera but it still lets me be a proud mama all the same.

~~~~~

Next week my brother goes back to work. His color bone is not quite healed yet but he is far enough along that he is chomping at the bit to do more than be at home all day. So that means little Miss Angel-girl will be coming back over here to play and chatter away with her auntie during the week days.

~~~~~

I absolutely love the ministry I have been working with. It is quickly growing into more than I initially thought it would be but not for a single second does that scare or overwhelm me. I personally think that being an assistant is an incredible job. In my mind the pure definition of an assistant is to be extended hands for the head person, to anticipate their needs and equip them to shine fully in their calling. I love it. I love the balancing of being able to cheer and encourage the teams and then in the blink of an eye be able to dial back and be calm assurance for the people requesting appointments. I picture it like I am the bridge of communication between both sides and it is so very satisfying.

I remember sitting in the living room with Daddy last summer and out of the blue he said, “You know, you really need to pursue being some sort of counselor. I listen to you talk to everyone here and you are very good at your insight and patience.” It blesses me to picture him smiling and watching now.

~~~~~

I was asked by someone yesterday how I am doing now that Daddy is gone and I have been home for a few months. I didn’t know how to answer. I really wanted to avoid the question all together. Instead I thanked her for the compassion as I stumbled through trying to express a small portion of what keeps me feeling……..like I don’t know how to feel.

I have said before and I will say again (as if in my mind it helps me to validate my lack of being able to communicate) I don’t wish him back. I know where he is and am so grateful for the fullness of never ending joy and love he has now. I cherish the extra time we had and the memories that I never imagined I could own. I am happy to be home and with my family. I love my days and activities. Yet…..no matter what I do with my day it is like Daddy is on part of my mind. Everything seems to bring about a subconscious thought of “What would Daddy think of that?” or “That would make Daddy giggle.” It is almost as if I could turn around and he would be there to lend his input….which is so strange since that was never the pattern of our relationship.

Most every night I dream of caring for him or odd things like arguing with the doctors because he is alive and I am trying to explain to them that he has already passed and they need to let him go. It is exhausting. I am trying to figure out what feelings to own, what to toss and what to deal with. I know that much of what I feel is not part of God’s attributes so I can filter it through and not claim it. But still….many days I almost feel I was better off when I was numb and moving forward. The pictures of us together that I proudly put up when I came home….now I fight wanting to turn them face down because they bring up feelings I don’t want to even have.

~~~~~

In an opposite realm, I feel so strange in my relationship to God right now. I know He is here. I depend on Him being here. I completely trust that He is walking with me, holding me, guiding me, protecting me….and yet I feel so very vacant and distant. I open my bible to read and just stare at the pages. I sit to pray but the quiet is so uncomfortable.

I know that God loves me where I am at but it amazes me that I am still being used. Someone said to me last night that every time she is with me she is overwhelmed with the peace and grace that God offers through His love. It was so very much a humbling thing to hear. I thought, “God I feel too broken right now to be aware of hearing You and yet You still guide my steps to do and bless others. How that works is only by Your orchestrating.”

I feel such guidance when I am helping others. It is a factual and obvious guidance that most often takes no second guessing. I just know it is the right thing to say or do. But for myself I feel vacant.

I most often handle inquiries people ask about me with a careful but quick answer. It is not that I am purposing to be deceptive. I just don’t know how to answer and would rather look forward to what is in store instead of flat spinning in something I don’t understand. This is such a weird time for me. I don’t understand it. I’ve stopped wanting to analyze and understand it. I choose now to just ride it out and hold on to what I know. I press through and do the things I know to be true and right because I know sooner or later everything will balance out. God promises it will. He says everything is a season.

The truth is that He cares for me affectionately and watchfully (1 Peter 5:7). He sustains me and will never allow me to slip, fall or fail (Psalm 55:22) That is what I hold to.

~~~~~

At the same time, God is moving mightily around us and I don’t feel that I am missing out on anything. God is here, God is everywhere but it is so humbling to know that He is finding the open freedom here to so more of Himself. As a church we are getting calls and visits from all over the state wanting to glean what we are doing with our church. What are we doing? As near as I can figure to explain, we aren’t tying up God with scores of rules and time tables. We are only opening our minds to how big and great He is.

There is a freedom happening that makes people feel so safe, even when they don’t know what is going on. As our teams go out to share about God’s love people are listening and responding by the hundreds. From all areas of our diverse Portland culture people want to know the intimacy of God….and things are happening.

Here is a link to a post written by one of our friends. Leg Grows Out - Major Healing! His story is amazing and the videos in his story blow my mind. It is a posting that will take maybe 20 minutes of your day. I encourage you to read and view all three videos when you have time.

God bless you greatly in all you do for you are loved with a never ending passion.

72 Hours.....

2011-04-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday night my mom's little girl dog became very ill. An emergency visit led us to finding out she developed a sudden case of Addison's Disease. After much worry and big vet bills we were able to bring her home yesterday with a new plan for daily diet and monthly medication that will help her to live and long and happy life. I am so grateful. That precious little fuzzball brings my mom so much joy.

Monday Pippin and I made the hour drive to look at a car for sale at the same dealership where Hubby and I bought last December. It ended up being an all day event but well worth it. Our "friends" at the dealership did us fair and honest in giving our daughter a good deal for her first big purchase. I am excited for her and tinged around the edges with that odd parental feeling of seeing my little girl grow up jsut a bit more as she takes those "rights of passages" steps to full adulthood.

Last night our foster son came back to touch base with us after being out of contact for a while. He has hit bottom (hopefully) and has been clean for 2 days. He sat with me last night crying at the realization of his choices affecting his life as well as others who love him. He made the first phone call last night to checking himself into an inpatient treatment program and then slept on our couch feeling safe for the first time in a long time. I played worship music all night and prayed over him to stave away the nightmares and withdrawals.

Today I pray for straight answers and strength for him as he follows through with the next steps. I pray he can get into a program quickly.

Last night and this morning was also a time for young teenage drama with friends of my youngest daughter. Multiple phone calls with cries of 'Mama Julie this......' and 'Mama Julie that....' left me frustrated. I love them and I know they are only trying to wrap their heads around what they are capable of. But goodness all I wanted to do was scream 'Get over yourself! Enough with your petty self serving attitude! There is so much more to life than your small event!'
But that serves nothing but my own emotions. Nothing ever gets better by lashing out in emotion.

So here I am focusing on this thought.......Breathe in for it is a new day and new days bring new hope and renewed expectation.

Thank You God that I don't have to do things in my own strength but can look to You to tackle anything that comes my way. Thank You that You are in charge and Your plan and promise says "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jeremiah 29:11)

This song has been my constant for the past few days. In my head, in each breath, as my thoughts drift in sleep.....this is what I hear........

I pray that wherever you are, no matter what you are doing, you know that you are loved and special. You have a purpose and a destiny that no one and nothing can take away from you. You have an amazing identity filled with love and joy and celebration.

Hephzibah......

2011-04-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted to do something but held yourself back because of how you thought people would react to your decision?
I have. Honestly it was a battle with my own self as much as it was a battle in how I thought others would be.
But no more. I did what I have desired to do for a good four years.

I got a tattoo.
Excited? Strange? Curious? Shocked? It is okay. You are probably wearing one of those emotions right now. I know because they are feelings that I have worn as I have thought through the idea of actually getting one.

Over the years I have thought about what I wanted to do with a tattoo and then chastised myself for wanting something that is "meant" for those young people. I worked through the fears of the pain inflicted and the scoffing of how it would change shape along with my body in age.

Two months ago my daughter got one and I was thrilled for her, excited that she followed through in what she wanted, blessed at the spiritual significance she gave it, and a little jealous that she wore it so well. Still I vacillated back and forth. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it. I just had to get the guts to do it.

I woke up this past Monday morning and decided that was it. Do it or let go of it but stop going back and forth looking at it as a "some day" kind of thing.

It is still in the process of healing but I couldn't wait any longer to share.
It is small but carries great significance to me. No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It is a word, but it is not written in English. It is written in Hebrew. I took it from Isaiah 62:4 and is translated to say "Hephzibah" which means "My delight is in her". I put it on my right wrist because of Isaiah 41:13 which says, "For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!"
And I chose to make it a single pink color instead of the typical green or black tattoos you most often see because pink is a spiritual color of joy and celebration.

I was shocked with myself when getting it. I have thought myself pretty forward thinking and try so hard to have convictions that are scriptural based and not people based. Still, I surprised myself when I was sitting in the chair waiting for the artist to begin. I was super nervous at what it was going to feel like and of course incredibly excited at doing what I have wanted for so long. Adrenaline was coursing through my body like crazy. I thought, "Oh my gosh I have to calm down or I won't be able to keep still". So I thought I had better pray to calm down. I started to pray and then a voice in my head said, "Why are you asking God for help? He isn't going to listen to you. You are getting a tattoo. Shame on you."

I had no idea I still had such a silly notion still floating around inside my head.

I was taken back for a second and paused in prayer before recognizing it for what it was and said, "Good grief that it sad. Shut up religious spirit. God isn't a law god and me getting a tattoo doesn't close His ears or take away His love."

God loves people for who they are in their hearts, not what they look like in skin and clothing.

I'd like to save up my money and do another tattoo sometime in the next few months. I'd like to do something small and delicate on the side of my foot.

Okay, I'd love to discuss this more but I want badly to get this posted before I leave for church this morning.
Thank you for sitting with me and listening.

God bless your day and feel His joy all around.

Proud and Blessed....

2011-03-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

This morning Pippin came out of her room rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she readied herself for work. Her first in the list of preparations was to come over and give me a snuggle. I happened to be in just the right spot that my ear landed on her heart when she pulled me close and it blessed me so. I heard her heart go from a fast rap-a-tap beat to a slow rhythm as she took in a sigh and relaxed into my arms. Moments like that are simply priceless.

~~~~~

I just have to be a proud grandma and she the new pictures we received in the mail. Goodness these kiddos are growing up fast. They are working on getting pictures of the baby to us. Here is what we have so far....

Kobe, our intellectual

age 10 years old

Brynn, our diva ballerina

age 6 1/2 years old

Renner, our open hearted cuddle-bug

age 3 1/2 years old

Abbigail, our sweet quiet observer

age 16 months

I couldn't decide which picture of Abbigail to post.

I had 5 to choose from and both of these are favorites of mine.

~~~~~

I must run for now and get started with my day. There is tons of grocery shopping to do. Then tonight we are headed downtown for a hip-hop concert. Yes me at a hip-hop concert. We have the privilege of having an amazing young man in our church who has quite the talent and we are going tonight to be supportive of him. I must admit, his songs are addictive.

Spring Break, Birthday and Love....

2011-03-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

I am sorry I haven't been around and made you wonder. Days just sort of piled up together and have found myself avoiding fun computer things in lieu of paperwork, phone calls and daily home chores. At the end of the day when I lay my head on the pillow I think, "I sure need to find some time to write" and "I wonder how my blogger friends are." But then the next day starts off all over again. Again I am so sorry I made you wonder.

It is Spring Break here and my girls....one is thrilled at being able to sleep in and go window shopping with friends while the other is picking up extra hours at work and doing all night dvd sessions with her friend visits from Seattle.

They all left at 10pm last night to watch a movie at "Raph's" house so that my hubby could have uninterrupted sleep here. It wasn't too long until they were sending me text messages to keep me in stitches even while not at home. Here is what one of them said,

"Terribly sorry, dear mother, but sister seems to have left her telephone inside our lovely home. If you are in need of contacting us for any precarious reason, please call me instead of my dear sister."

Yeah....they are goofy and fun that way.

My brother seems to be healing just splendidly. He has taken to watching Angel-girl alone now and says he can handle all the aspects of tending to their almost 20 month old blessing without aide until he is fit enough to go back to work.

Mind you, that does not leave me twiddling my thumbs. I have put my hands to use in helping different people and ministries in my church. I have been organizing meals for those in need, being 'Mama Julie' to all who desire and have also been blessed with the pleasure and honor of helping to launch something of a counseling ministry.

I truly am having fun and feeling like I am doing something worthwhile.

For months after we stopped home schooling I felt at a loss of knowing where I was supposed to step next. Then came the year of taking care of my father. Once I came home from that, it was a scary thing to commit to anything and I wanted to hide behind my curtains every day. My heart felt empty and there was nothing to give to anyone. It was only the truth of my belief that got me out of bed every day. Now that empty feeling is gone and I feel my wells filling back up ready to bless and encourage.

Today is Hubby's birthday. Part of me can't help but remember that this time last year I had just gotten home for a quick visit from taking care of Daddy and we were giggling around a table at Claim Jumper celebrating our time. Daddy had sent me home with money for the dinner so that in his own way he could feel a part of things even though he was so far away. That is the way he was in all things.

Anyway, Hubby and I went to Roadhouse for our favorite yummy salads and of course we couldn't deny the heavenly sweet and warm dinner rolls that our waitress set on our table. We giggled the evening away and shot peanuts at each other when we thought no one was looking. When our waitress showed up at the table with co-workers, happy birthday dessert and a song that attracted the whole restaurant Hubby said I was in trouble. Sure......we shall see.

Our sweet waitress had a story of her own. I got the impression with her first visit to our table that something was amiss and her heart was down. I let her do her thing and then asked her if she was having a good night. She said it was okay. I responded with a smile and a knowing comment of not completely believing her (in love). She then set her notepad down and half looked like she was going to sit down next to me as she opened up about her day.

To some it may have been a day that was of little consequence, but to her it mattered and that means to God it mattered as well. I let her talk it out and gave her the reassurring words that I thought appropriate for the small amount of time she had. She smiled and thanked me and even patted my shoulder as she walked off to the next table. I thought it was amazing that she reached out like that to a stranger and crossed the boundaries of physical touch.

As hubby and I played and ate, I kept asking God if there was anything I could say or do to help her along. Towards the end of the evening she brought us to-go boxes and seemed to hover at our table for an extra second and I knew that was my opportunity. I called her by name and said, "Can I just tell you that you are such a blessing. You have such a tender and soft heart. The very fact that your situation hurts your heart today is a testament to how much compassion you have. You are so amazing and special!"

Had no one ever told her she is special before?
I don't know her background but she stuttered an awkward thank you and then lunged past the table to give me a big hug that lasted a long time as she fought back tears.

Thank You God for the opportunity to share Your love with Haley.

I pray for Your encouraging blessings and presence to be on and around her.

When we got home tonight, Puddin' surprised her dad with a birthday video that she made today in his honor. She said I could share it here so here is the video and a link as well if it ends up that I can't figure Blogger too well.

Happy Birthday Daddy! 2011

God bless you today and know how greatly you are loved!

What Is In A Prayer........

2011-02-25T11:30:00.000-08:00

I visited my brother a couple of days ago before the cold icy weather hit our area. He was doing well and felt encouraged by his new doctor. It turns out that the new doctor wants to wait a couple of more weeks before determining the need for surgery on the 4 broken places of his collar bone. I did some research last night on the web to clarify answers for questions we have had concerning the whole situation. I never realized what an interesting bone it is to heal and how rarely surgeries are performed. So here I am learning more medical information and feeling with even greater awe at the amazing ways God made our bodies.

While visiting, my brother and I got on the subject of God and prayer. We began discussing miracles that I had witnessed recently and then our own hindrances in prayer. As we talked, I felt a rise in my emotions as waves of panic and fear set into me.
Maybe you too can relate to the feelings that hit me. Or maybe you are confused with the why and how I could have such a quandary over a simple conversation. Let me explain.

As we sat there talking I became acutely aware that I had not prayed for my brother. Sure, I had prayed with him over the phone when he first fell but that was different. I wanted to pray for his healing and not just his emotional peace but I hadn't. Praying for someone is a vulnerable and transparent way to share heart and display value of one another. I have always been open with my brother and we have carried a close relationship our whole lives. I wanted to give him that part of my love that shines through prayer...but something was holding me back.

A comment was made in our conversation that according to 1 Corinthians 12 the gift of being able heal others is only given to certain people. I said no and explained that it is something that we can all do. When we have a relationship with God we have the complete Holy Spirit in us and a "now" connection to heaven. It is a matter of faith and belief. Jesus talks in the Bible about the faith of the mustard seed and that we can do so much more if only we believe. I suggested that hearing and seeing stories of people being healed when they go to certain places is because of a heightened level of expectation that raises more faith and belief. Sure, some people are able to bring healing to people quickly but it is not necessarily because they are "chosen" and more because their faith and belief leaves no room for doubt in their mind.

That thought challenged me even more as in a time span that seemed to go on forever I battled the thought provoking shame that wanted to cripple me. "Tisk tisk....shame on you. How little you are that you dare not share what you SAY you believe in with someone you know feels the same way. You SAY you love your little brother and you have prided yourself in always protecting him. Now we see the truth. You aren't even strong enough to do this one thing."

Oh my goodness how the satan loves to get in our heads and twist things around so we are incapacitated. God is the author of love not shame.

Despite my own self doubt, I could not help but ask myself the heart burning questions at hand, "What is the lie I am believing right now and what is the truth I need to see?" My mind raced through the things that I know and the things I have seen.

Am I making up what I want to believe?
No, I have seen blind people see, deaf people hear, crippled people become straight and broken hearted find hope.

Did I worry that my brother would think me a nut for believing in prayer?
No, he believes the same. And even if he didn't I have often found myself in position of discussing God's love with complete strangers.

Did I feel less than because I prayed for Daddy to be healed and he then died from his cancer?
No, God heals in different ways and for Daddy it was the many layers of his emotional heart that received the healing.

Have I ever been a part of someone being healed?
Yes, my mother-in-law was healed just by us praying over the phone with over a thousand miles between us.

Have other people I know personally been healed?
Pippin was healed. Last week a guy I know had his multi-fractured foot miraculously healed. A friend's chronic sinus infection, another friend's severe milk allergy, another friend's slipped disc and so many more. I was even healed from severe complete laryngitis by the simple prayer of a child.

Then a new thought crept into my mind. What if I pray and the bones don't go back together? Then I would be responsible for lifting his hope and then dashing it to the ground.
But the truth is that it is my responsibility to walk out my faith and belief. It is God's responsibility to know the will and timing of everything that happens.

I couldn't take it any longer and I just had to pray. The things that I know to be true out weighed the fears holding me captive and I had to press through. I didn't say anything grand for God does not care about big words or descriptive spinning sonnets. God only cares about seeing our hearts. Nothing drastic happened after we prayed together but I felt that we had both gained ground in what we shared with each other and in our relationship with God.

I wanted to stay longer after that but had to get out the door and drive through the 45 minutes of traffic that separates our neighborhoods. So we hugged and promised to check with each other over the phone that night.
A few hours later he called me to say, "Sister thank you so much for praying and sharing with me today. After you left I was so encouraged. It was the first time since my fall that I felt I could do anything with my arm. I got down on the floor and played for a bit with my daughter and our golden retriever. It felt so good to remember what it is like to do some things for myself instead of being so dependent and scared. Thank you."

Daddy God, I thank You for being such an encourager, for giving me a brother that encourages me to say 'why not'. Thank You for being the truth that shines through and resonates in my heart even when I am scared of my own self. Thank You for never giving up on me as I stumble along. And thank You that You always listen, always hear, always love and always give just what we need.

(post note: published on stirmyfaith.com)

Izabell Is Here......

2011-02-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

Meet baby Izabell Rea

on her first morning in the world.

Born February 22, 2011

She weighs 9lbs. 6oz. and is 21" long.

We are planning a trip in May to visit.

Sure wish we could go see them and meet her sooner.

All Sorts of News......

2011-02-22T23:34:00.000-08:00

I was trying to wait for a proper picture before posting this but just can't wait any longer. Our newest grand baby was born today. Both mom and baby Isabelle are doing well and oh so healthy. Bless her heart, Mom had been holding back labor for about a month and a half. But now Isabelle is here and all the waiting is a distant memory. Once I get a picture that doesn't contain hospital stuff everywhere I will post for all to see.

~~~~~

My brother also saw his doctor and the news is not good. Instead of the 4 breaks healing on their own, his collar bone is much worse than when it first broke. Tomorrow morning he will see a surgeon and will hopefully be on the book schedule by the end of the day for a surgery date. He is frustrated but is trying hard to look at the positive side of things. I just don't understand why surgery wasn't the plan in the beginning and he was sent home with only tape around his shoulder for stability.

~~~~~

I have to confess that I am really enjoying this time of being alone. It is so funny how things come full swing. I remember it wasn't so very long ago that I was scared to have any time alone. Now I am relishing in it. Of course I love having all my girls around. I love the giggles and humorous conspiring over various situations as we all mesh together in personality and love. I love giggling with my little Angel-girl and remembering what it is like to look at the world through the eyes of untainted innocence.

But having time alone these past few weeks while my brother is laid up honestly has been really nice as well. Today, Icca was at work, Puddin' at school, Pippin in Seattle for a couple of days and hubby at work. The house was mine for a full day. I was able to do whatever I wanted for as long as I wanted and I really liked it. I played my music and worked on computer stuff without interruption and without fear of making bothersome noises. I completed all of my tasks and errands and still had time to put my feet up and re-charge my brain.

I am not complaining. Each day and season is valid and important all on its own. I just wanted to take a minute and acknowledge that I recognize the differences.

~~~~~

Speaking of differences, I was thinking today about how reaching out to others makes such a difference in the lives of everyone involved. As Puddin' and I were driving home from school today, a hand reached out from the driver's window of the school bus in front of us and frantically waved a big hello for us to see. It took us a second to realize it was Puddin' old bus driver.

He is a sweet older guy with a tough attitude but always made sure my girl was safe during the 2 years she rode his bus. If I was stuck in traffic and not waiting in my car when he pulled up to the bus stop, he would figure out dawdling reasons for Puddin' to wait in the bus until I got there so she wouldn't be alone. I was always so appreciative of that because it was a scary part of the neighborhood where she was let off. A few times I made cookies for him and every now and again slipped him a thank you card just for being kind.

It has been well over a year since he was her bus driver and something like a million other kids have passed through his care. But he remembered us today and picked us out of a crowd of cars on the street (and me with a new car to boot).
It really made me think about actions and attitude. I knew back when I made those cookies and wrote those cards that I was doing something to bless and honor him. That was my purpose. But those small gestures must have not been so very small to him. You just never know how much change you can affect in some one's life until you reach out and try.

~~~~~

The other thing I had on my mind tonight while doing the dishes was Daddy.
I have gotten to where I can now look at the pictures of him around the house and smile for real. I can hug little Conguito and not feel remorse that Daddy can't see his antics. I can talk about spending almost a year in Texas caring for him without my voice changing or thoughts wandering. Occasionally I get a whisper of grief in my thoughts that says shame on me for being able to move on so soon. But that is so not true. I am able to move on and be happy because I know all that God did for us that whole time and I know without doubt that I will see him again

But tonight, for some reason as I was doing dishes, all of a sudden I was back in the room after he took his last breath, looking at him and holding him.....but not quite being able to see him and feel him. I was startled to find that I couldn't remember or see all of the details like I once did. I know that time heals hearts and I know that those images are not the ones I choose to dwell on anyway. But I have to think just a little bit harder about his laugh, his voice, his smile.

I don't really know what I think about that just yet.

Have a peaceful night of sleep and a blessed week.

The Gift of Memories......

2011-02-21T11:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my brother and I along with our spouses, surprised our parents with a special gift for their 25th anniversary. They have been our support and encouragement through so much over the years and a shinning example of how marriage works. We thought long and hard about what to do to honor them and wanted more that a fleeting gift that would get old and dusty. We chose the kind of gift that lasts and shines even more with time....the gift of memories. We honored them with a special 2 hour lunch cruise downtown aboard the Portland Spirit.

It was an amazing day and the weather was perfect. We didn't tell them what we were doing before hand so they made great sport out of trying to figure out what the itinerary of the day was. My mom sized me up in my clothing to try and guess if we were going for a hike or touring the waterfalls in the area while my husband teased that we were driving to Seattle for lunch.

Going inside the ship made them feel so special. Seeing the tables full of crystal settings brought tears to their eyes. Realising that the boat would be actually moving instead of docked while we ate made the tears overflow with humble honor and overwhelming joy.

You can't see in this picture but my brother's left arm is in a sling and his shoulder is all taped up for stability.
He did well on the trip. It was his first real outing since he broke his collar bone a couple of weeks ago. He was bound and determined not to miss this special occasion. And after all the tension he and my sister-in-law have had with his recuperating these past few weeks, they enjoyed getting out. When their special song came on they danced and romanced one another with smiles and giggles.
You can't see in this picture but his left arm is in a sling and his shoulder is all taped up for stability.

My hubby and I had a good time relaxing as well. We were so grateful and doubly blessed that the weather was so perfect for our excursion.

The food was all gourmet and amazing. Our appetizers were jumbo prawns with the chef's special cocktail sauce. My sister-in-law also ordered some sauteed mushrooms but I was so enjoying the food and company I forgot to take a picture of it.

Our main course was just as spectacular. Most at our table ordered Herb Crusted Beef Shoulder platter. My brother ordered Baked Salmon Fillet and I had Tortellini Provincial. All platters came with yummy steamed veggies and spaghetti squash.

Does dessert really need an explanation? giggle giggle..... We picked plates of chocolate chocolate gourmet chocolate cake, raspberry cheesecake and Bailey's Irish cream cheesecake. The Bailey's was mine.
(It definitely didn't go with my new eating plan but I enjoyed it and slept away the effects later in the day with no consequences.)

The whole day was an amazing experience and we were so pleased to be able to treat and honor our parents with special memories of love.

~~~~~~~

And on a completely different venue of memories for the weekend......
regarding the inheritance money I received recently that sent me in a quandary.
With a small portion of it I chose to buy a brand new washer and dryer. That may seem silly to some but let me tell you how it makes me smile. In our 21 years of marriage and raising of so many kids, we have always traded in used for used and taken the appliances others have cast off as they upgrade. They have all been blessings that served their purpose for the time needed...and our pocketbook. But they have all had their cute quirks as well that we have dealt with. They crash and bang around with imbalance and we had to choose certain times to wash because of the noise factor. Imagine the machines making their jubilee sounds so hubby turns up the tv which makes everyone talk more loud in their conversations, music practice gets more intense, phone conversations hide in the corners because of sound and not secrets.....

This is what I bought and had delivered on Friday. You can't imagine how excited I am and I want to wash everything in the house because of the efficient way this set makes everything clean. These machines are so quiet! And in a way, every time I walk by my laundry room, I feel that it is a blessing from Daddy that makes my days easier.

The girls are all teasing me like crazy because I made up a check sheet for how to use this sparkling team. My reasoning for being so structured is that we have always had these old fashioned dials where you choose water level and temperature and type of clothing. These machines are so new and different. They are digital and do it all for you. It is foreign and scary to do the first load for fear of pressing wrong buttons. And goodness.....though it sounds logical.....don't try to open the door of the front loader in motion to put in that forgotten article of clothing.

Thank you for reading along and sharing in the blessings of my weekend.
I pray for you to feel God's blessings and encouragement this week as you pursue the fact that you have a purposeful destiny and are loved with a mighty never ending love.

My Weekend....

2011-02-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

"God my eyes are closed but I am really nervous."

"Why are you nervous?"

"What if You don't give me anything?"

"Awe Sweetheart. Shhhhh....It's going to be okay."

The Weekend of Things.....

2011-02-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

Saturday we attended a beautiful and tender wedding of some friends. I made this serving set as a present for them and wrapped them in a set of kitchen towels. My hope is that they are used in every day family dinners to spruce things up and make them feel special.

We had a crazy busy long weekend but it was full of fun and encouragement and new friendships. We had a big conference at church over the weekend and we hosted a 2 of the 19 guest speakers in our home. I will have to write about it later when I can gather my thoughts more.

~~~~~

In other news, last week my husband came home with news that had shaken him up pretty good from our doctor. He had gone in for a basic exam and came home with a medication for stage 2 hypertension. His blood pressure was through the roof. It really shook up his world and made him re-evaluate how he does things. We have been going through the house discussing his eating choices and how to adjust to a low sodium lifestyle. Because he is a runner, the exercise part of lifestyle changes is not too hard for him. His goal is to simply be more consistent.

Another thing he has opted to do of his own free will and desire (without any prodding from me) is to keep a daily blog journal of his health progress as he fights his blood pressure and prepares for the big Hood-2-Coast run in August. When you have opportunity to visit him, the encouragement would really make him smile.

It is so cute how he is loving blogging too. Always in the past he would support me with my writing but pace around about me "always" being on the computer. Now he is calling me during the day and saying things about what he wants to write when he gets home from work. He is learning quickly that it is quite an addictive habit.

~~~~~

And then there was my first cello lesson. Goodness, 45 minutes goes by fast. I am having fun with practice and finding the feel for my positioning. I have been thinking about a name for my cello and I want to thank you for your suggestions. It has been good. I didn't set out to think this way but the name of the woman I bought it from keeps coming to my mind. Her name is Carlotta. Whenever I think of the name Carlotta I envision a beautiful woman who has a flair for creativity and passion while pushing the barrier between what is normal and individually on the edge. For some reason that keeps speaking to me.....maybe because my goal is to use my cello in free unrestricted worship to God.

Okay, it is so very late and my eyes are fighting sleep desperately.
Be blessed and know without a doubt that you are loved with the amazing love of God that never ends.

Music Is a Heavenly Sound....

2011-02-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

This is my new cello!

I am so excited!

I bought it yesterday from a previous owner. I know it is not a high end super fancy one but I feel confident that she gave me a nice instrument for a fair price. I used a small portion of my inheritance and I feel that Daddy is smiling his excitement.

Oh my.....I just got this flash image of him dancing in heaven with that beautiful heavenly sound everywhere and I can be here making a reflection of that sound............

I begin my lessons with an instructor tomorrow but I couldn't wait that long. I jumped online this morning and found a "lessons 101" website to play around with. It is filled with all sorts of music theory which is great because sight reading has always been a downfall for me.

Aaahhhhhh!!!!! I am so excited!

But I must give attention to some other things today as well.

I had offered to head up a fundraiser for Puddin's advanced choir. They are touring in the spring to Disneyland (rough right?) and need to cover expenses. Today is the day to pick up products and disperse them to customers. Also we have a conference going on at church this weekend and I am helping to organize host homes for the 18 out of state guest speakers coming.

How can I do everything? I am almost done with it so it is okay.

Sadly, my brother had a bicycle accident over the weekend and broke his collar bone in 4 places. Consequently, my sister-in-law is off work caring for him and I miss out on having my Angel-girl to chatter with. That gives me a lot of time in the day to do what needs to be done.

How is my brother? He is doing really well. The doctor has his shoulder taped up and says there possibly won't be a need for surgery. I went to see him yesterday and he really looks good. The swelling is down and I didn't see any discoloration or bruising. God was definitely with him. He didn't have a helmet on when he fell going downhill but there isn't a single scratch on him.

My brother just texted me and asked if I am going to name my cello. He says it is too beautiful an instrument to be called "it". He is right. I was just pondering that same thought. Hmmmm.....what to call it.....

"A rose by any other name....."

Blessings to you today!

Celebrating Birthday and Love.....

2011-02-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we hosted a surprise birthday party for my Nana. She is now 85 years young. Doesn't she look amazing? My parents told her they were taking her out for the day but needed to stop at my house and deliver something. Delivering her as the guest honor was the real motive and she was so surprised at the houseful of people greeting her.

Family and friends socialized over the buffet table and told stories while laughing and snapping pictures. It was a good day and I think everyone was blessed at being able to get together.

It was also an opportunity for Icca Chou to meet more of my family and get settled into being a part of our family with all the fun and craziness we offer. I introduced her to extended cousins as one of my heart adopted daughters that lives with us and everyone welcomed her with open arms.

Later one of my cousins pulled me aside and wanted to know more of her personal history and if her parents are around at all. I tried to be tactful and gracious in answering the question because I didn't think it really mattered and it is not my story to tell. Icca Chou supported herself through high school and graduated. Now she works 40 hours a week and goes to college full time and we have the privilege of having her in our home as an every day blessing while she works towards achieving her goals.

But before I could think of anything to really say my cousin continued with, "I ask because I see something so special about her. She watches everything you do and the look in her eyes is filled with admiration and love for you. She has been looking around at everyone here at the party and it is like she is drinking it all in with happiness. I am so overwhelmed with feeling the fact that she so completely loves you and is proud of you and looks at you like a mom. I just wanna have a camera so I can freeze her look in my heart because it touches me so deeply."

I was absolutely blown away and it made me want to cry right then and there.

I love each one that comes through our door. So long ago when Hubby and I were starting our family my heart was full for so many children to love and cherish. It never occurred to me that my heart desires would be fulfilled by way of all the friends that our girls bring through the doors. We were just teasing this afternoon with someone about Pippin and Puddin' always inviting others over all the time or when they fill all the seats of my car with extras to go along with whatever adventure we are embarking. Then the girls will pull me aside and say, "Mom they need you to love on them." or "They need Mom advice."

Most kids bring home stray pets. Mine bring home extra kids to love on. And I love every second of speaking into their lives and encouraging them into walking in their destinies.

Thank You God for your love to share and your eyes to see.

I pray that you have a fantastically blessed day filled with God's goodness.

In My Head and On My Heart.....

2011-02-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

I have had this experience sitting in my head and on my heart for a little over a week now and haven't been able to figure out quite how to write about it. I still am not really sure but I want to journal it before it gets all fuzzy.

God speaks to us in different ways. He uses his audible voice, our conscience, scripture, the people and things around us and even things that we casually brush off as coincidence. Many times He will use a combination of things to get our attention and speak to us; not that He has to do it that way but mostly because we tend to not pay attention unless it becomes repetitive. Sometimes the things God tells is to help us through a present issue and sometimes it is to help us understand something in the past or future.

I am prefacing was all of that because I have recently found myself in a place of hearing His nudging of direction and have needed Him to tell me over and over again in different ways to finally let it seep into my heart.
While I will share my thoughts and desires transparently here in my cyber journal, I will rarely discuss my circling thoughts out loud to those around me. It is not that I don't want to share. It is just that it takes so long to find the right words to express what I am thinking. So when someone(s) come to me and says, "God wants me to tell you something", I know it is not from any personal thing they conjured up from their personal thoughts.

It all started at my church 2 weeks ago. I went feeling great and happy to be there. I was greeting different people and enjoying my social time before service started when one specific person came up to hug me. It wasn't a friend hug that I received. I mean, it was a friend hug in the sense that she is a dear friend to me. But it was so much more than a "Good morning and glad to see you" type of hug. Instantly I felt God all around me and it was as if my feet were off the ground and He held me. The flood of emotion was unexpected like a beautiful song as I drifted in the embrace that was everything in a few short seconds.

As service started, I tried to wrap my brain around what happened but at the same time didn't care. I wanted to enjoy it for what it was without analyzing it to pieces. Sometimes during our worship part of service I simply sing along with the music. Sometimes I smile and clap or move ever so slightly to the beat of the song. More and more though, I find myself in the back of the room with huge flag banners in my hands moving in time with the music. It feels as if my flags are dancing an amazing ballet with the Holy Spirit in the air and I get lost in it all. That is what I chose to do that day.

As I was spinning and flying, I felt a tap on my shoulder from another dear friend. She said, "God wants me to tell you something and it is important that you know now before worship is finished today. He wants you to know that you are entering a new season, a season you have never experienced before. Your time with Him, your worship with Him, your intimacy with Him is all going to change and become even deeper. From this very moment you are changed and different. Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper........"

As I finished worship I dwelt on God's goodness and thought about seasons, being with my dad, everything being so different and the thoughts I have had on just how my life is different and changed so much over the last couple of years. I thought about my new goals and wondered what ones I had yet to even dream up much less the ones I have in my heart that I haven't walked through.

After service I decided to go to our art ministry just to see what would happen. I had never really given that ministry much thought before but felt very drawn to it that day. Here is what happened.

The person doing my art simply held my hands and prayed for God to show her something that He wanted to share with me that day. She kept her eyes closed for a minute and then looked at me and said, "oh wow. This is good. I need to get this all on paper so I don't forget any of it." Below is what she drew. It scanned into my computer very light but I will explain.

She drew a fast moving river with a raft in the middle of it. I am in the raft (the top smiley face on the left) and it is full of other people.The raft itself bears no significance except to show that I am with others in the middle of the flow and not merely a spectator on the side left behind. She said it would be easy for me to feel that with everything of this last year I could feel as though I have missed out on so many things but God is not letting me miss a thing.

You can't see from this scan but there is a waterfall ahead and my smiley face is looking towards it with joy and expectation. She said that while at times I am perplexed as to my future, I have no fear of whatever will happen next and I have expectation for it to happen.

Like I said, I had never paid attention to that kind of prayer art before. I found it very interesting and touching. There is no denying that there is similarity with each experience I had that morning.
After I wiped back the tears off my face I got to thinking more about what it all means and where do I go from here.

I keep thinking about my desire in learning to play cello. How many times I have said this is not the season because my hands are full with Angel-girl. But really? Is it impossible to do right now? Does that word spoken over me that my worship and time with God is different and changed from that moment forward mean that I can now magically play the cello or that I will become so fanciful and perfect at it? No. But maybe it is referring to the destiny that we all have in us that doesn't happen by us just sitting around.

It took a very long time for me to write and explain all of that out and I still am not quite sure what it all means 100% or even what my plan is. But maybe I should look into pricing lessons and what it would take to get a cello in my home.

This journey that we are all on is never dull for sure.

God bless you today with the knowledge and comfort of knowing just how amazing and important you truly are.

Now Is It Final?.....

2011-02-01T22:49:00.000-08:00

If I keep staring at the computer screen will it make things any easier?

I received my inheritance money today.
The amount doesn't matter in the least to me except for the feeling of respect and gratitude in how my father worked with the sheer purpose of leaving something behind for the six of us children.
That thought didn't hit me though as I sat in the car holding the envelope tonight. My only thought was that it is so final.

It is not that having or not having that check would make anything different. Daddy is in heaven and I have a heart filled with memories from the last year with him that I treasure more than anything money can buy. For some reason though, holding that check makes things seem so much more final than they did before.....not that it wasn't all final before.
It is confusing.
It is a feeling and feelings are rarely orderly.

I feel a huge responsibility in what to do with it. I am scared to cash it, scared I will make decisions in spending and investing that I will wish I didn't do later on.

Wisdom, Father God how I am seeking your wisdom.

Another Furniture Story....

2011-01-31T13:19:00.000-08:00

I have to laugh. There are so many times when I see something I just "gotta wanna have to buy" but I don't have the funds for it. Then later I find that it isn't quite as nice as I first thought, or as in this case, I get it for less money than I would have paid in the first place.

Last month when I started caring for Angel-girl and collecting toys to have here at the house, I decided I wanted a certain piece of furniture from Ikea to place her toys in. It was my personal way of being efficiently organized with her belongings without making my house feel like a day care. Not that she will keep her things organized but it helps me mentally feel better for some silly reason.

The thing that I wanted was $70 brand new. I didn't have it. So I waited. I looked at Craig's List almost daily and occasionally found the model but not the oak color I wanted. Then a couple of weeks ago I took our oldest daughter shopping at Ikea while there were visiting from Spokane for the weekend. There was the unit and color I wanted in their scratch and dent section for $52. I was super excited and called Hubby. But he nixed the idea after all of our other January spendings.

I grumbled to myself as I wanted to not understand but relented to being a grown up.
This past Saturday I went to look around, with baby sitting money in my pocket, and found that the model and only the oak color I wanted was on discontinue clearance for $49. I blushed. I laughed. I thanked God for being so patient with me. I called my daughter to share my excitement (over silly furniture I know) and then I grabbed a cart to load up my prize.

Here it is all fixed up in my house.

Puddin' and I had fun putting it together this morning.

And I had to laugh when I opened the instruction manual.

It is all in pictures so that there is no language barrier.

The before you get started page really got me.....

I interpret it to say,

"Don't try to assemble this by yourself.

You will be sad and might not be able to figure it out.

Doing projects with a friend is always more fun.

If neither one of you are smart enough to figure it out then you can call us for help."

I know, I am silly.

I still have other things I want to share. Hopefully I can do that this evening. But for now it is time for more girl errands. They seem to never end......but I love being with them.

Have a blessed and amazing day today!

Stick Shift 101....

2011-01-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

Today was so much fun! Puddin' had the day off of school so we did 'girl' stuff all afternoon. Her biggest desire of the day was for me to give her a lesson in driving my new car. She has had her permit for a few months now but today was different. Today was focused on 'How To Drive a Stick Shift'. It was fun. It was crazy. It was laughable. My neck is a little sore tonight from all of our jerky starts and stops as she learned to feel the see-saw balance between clutch and accelerator. But it was a good day and I am glad we did it.

For now, it is late and I must get to bed. I will share more later.
Have a blessed and wonderful weekend!

More Things....

2011-01-27T22:56:00.000-08:00

It is so funny the many times I have sat down over the past few days to start typing this post and never gotten farther than 2 sentences because of other pressing matters needing my attention.

For example: this last week (and for a few more days) we are caring for a friend's 2 little girl dogs while they attend to a family emergency. They are sweet bundles of fuzziness to have around. But having all 4 dogs here volleying for my attention as they affirm to themselves they are indeed loved is tiring. I find myself appreciating all the more the strength and patience God gave me in taking care of Daddy and his 5 dogs for all those months.

Then having the 4 dogs volley for my attention while I care for little miss chatter-box-waddle-butt as she cruises all over the house in never ending energy....yes our home is never dull. I have been teaching her to say, "nooooo bark nooooo bark" whenever the dogs get vocal. It gives her a way to channel her energy when their loud noises startle her. Then yesterday she walked up to Kekoa and said, "good girl sit pretty". She felt very proud of herself for that one as she teetered off and around the next corner of discovery.

A couple of days ago my sister-in-law's car broke down and needed to be towed for some serious transmission work. My brother and sister-in-law live about a half hour away from me and strategically tag team in bringing Angel-girl to and from my house for daycare. The thought of having to share a vehicle for that tag teaming sort of made everything a bit overwhelming for them and we decided to have the baby sleep at our house.

Oh goodness that brought back such memories for me. I had forgotten what it was like to have a crib next to my bed with sleepy dreaming noises and needing assuring hugs in the middle of the night. She was such a joy though and we had a blast playing and cruising and discovering and tackling just anything that a 16 month old can find amusing and get into. And I must say that I am so grateful that Pippin was not working that day for she became my faithful extra hands, eyes and energy until daycare was finished.

Here is Angel-girl after our first outing adventure since I have started caring for her.

With all of my attention being divided you may be wondering how my new eating adventure is going. I actually am doing really well and have been successful....for a whole 4 days now. While I laugh at the thought of it starting only 4 days ago I must remind myself that all adventures have a starting point. But I have decided not to bore you with my food tales here and have opted to start a secondary blog. I have aptly named it My Incredible Journey of Healthy Eating. The name alone is a mouth full right? For whatever reasons, I am feeling compelled to do thing food thing for now and document my progress every evening as the day comes to a close. Somehow blogging what I am doing and experiencing keeps me so much more accountable. You are welcome to stop by anytime you like.

For now, I pray that you are feeling blessed and cherished. It is true you know. This busy world wants to trick you into not believing it but it is true. You were made an original with a plan and purpose like no other.

Many Things...

2011-01-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have been compiling a list of things that I wanted to write about in my daily life. They are thoughts or situations that have affected me this last week or so and are rattling around in my head. I have a feeling this may be a long post so bear with me please.

One of the things I have been thinking about is the constant random opportunities to bless people I come in contact with wherever I am at. A smile, a kind word, an opportunity to help; these are some of the many ways it is so easy to make a difference in some one's life. And rest assured that when you reach out to affect change in someone then you are sure to feel blessed as well.

Recently I was having a pretty intense day. I felt pretty frayed in attitude and tight on time. I was walking around one of our local everything type stores to check off a few needed items and ended up zoning out in an area where my shopping cart was blocking much of the isle. A woman gently asked if she could get by and I apologized for not paying attention. About a minute later we ran into one another on a different isle and my cart was once again blocking her passage. I smiled and apologized. Then, a third time we rounded corners and started laughing at blocking each other. I thanked her for being so gracious with me and told her to have a blessed day as I continued my shopping. She paused and left but then came back with urgency. She said, "No I thought YOU were the one being gracious. Thank YOU for not being frustrated with ME. YOU have grace that flows off of you and it changed my evening." Then she simply smiled and left.

I believe it is so important to call people by name. No matter where I meet people, whether it be the gas station attendant, the waitress or the postal worker, I make it a point to read their name tag and let them know they matter.

I had forgotten that an action like that can affect more than just one person until my grand daughter made a statement to me a couple of weeks ago. We were treating all the kids and grand kids to breakfast at a little diner on our last trip through Spokane. 12 hungry people were at our table ordering food and with 3 kiddos under 5 years of age you can imagine the energy level surrounding us. After all of our orders were taken I made it a point to look at the name tag of our waitress and say, "Sarah, thank you so much for your patience with us. You are amazing at what you do." She faltered, blushed and then smiled as she left to turn in our order.

My 5 year old grand daughter looked up at me with huge eyes and mouth gaping. Knowing I lived a 6 hour drive away from them made her quite shocked that I could be so personal with our waitress. She tugged on my sleeve and whispered loudly into my ear, "Grandma.....you KNOW her?" I laughed and embraced the opportunity to explain how easy it is to make people feel special. I said, "Doesn't it make you feel more special when I use your name and say 'Brynn, I sure do love you', instead of, 'Hey you, I love you'. Everyone deserves to feel that specialness and maybe our waitress hasn't felt that yet today."

I think I will stop here for now and share more this afternoon. My Angel-girl spent the night here last night and I hear her stirring.

Have an amazing destiny filled day and know you are loved.

Day 1.....

2011-01-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

My dear friend at the beach is always such a blessing and source of encouragement for me. When we first met, we were home schooling our high school girls and we became fast friends as dispositions and personalities meshed together with ease. We shared events from marriage and parenting to God and blessings. She taught me to have a greater appreciation for timeless and passionate character cinema such as Inherit the Wind and Mr Smith Goes To Washington and even how to love the sweet innocence of Shall We Dance in Japanese and hold my sides in laughter at the perfection of The Reduced Shakespeare Company performing the Complete Works Of Shakespeare in under 2 hours.

Now she is once again influencing me. She just doesn't know it yet.
I have watched her over the last couple of years go through something of an amazing transformation. It began with her saying to herself, "I think I should eat a salad every day to help me be more healthy." After a bit of time it became 2 salads a day. Then other choices came along like using a juicer, growing sprouts and.........cutting back on coffee. (yikes!) None of these choices we made because of a diet or fad but simply a conviction to take better care of herself. The result has been amazing. She feels better and is in tune with how her body talks to her. Her blood pressure and cholesterol are down and she can now share clothes with her daughters now that she doesn't have starches storing up in her body.

I have always been intrigued. I have taken home the books she has offered and found them a good and inspiring read. But to walk out those changes has always seemed quite a daunting task. My excuse bag fills over flowing with lack of time to prepare, my family would never eat that way, the torture of preparing two meals (and theirs would be so tempting), what about nutritional deficiencies, the cost, time...time..........and more time.

I had something of a revelation yesterday and decided it doesn't have to be this daunting huge life time forever change that I embark on. I don't have to make it a here to eternity thing and wait for the first slip up to punish myself with scolding failure.
I chose to make things attainable for myself and try for one week to eat raw foods. I know I won't magically lose the 60 pounds that is following me around but I just might feel a bit different. Seven days should give me a taste for feeling a bit better and a little more detoxified.

Today is Day 1. My plan is simple with no complications and can be re-evaluated at any time in the future. For now, I can eat what I want, whenever I want and as much of it as I want as long as it is a raw food, dairy product or whole grain cereal. Actually the cereal and dairy I am sparing with but the raw foods ......well my refrigerator is full of every whim I can imagine. I have made it through 17 waking hours of making smart choices. I put a list in the kitchen of all my food choices so that in a flash of weakness I won't construe something like scalloped potatoes as a good food choice.

Oh and I have to confess just so it is all out here in the open....coffee is not on my okay list but I don't plan to abstain from it at this point. I think if I drank it as my only form of liquid then it would have to go but one cup a day isn't horrible.

Seven days.........one down and six to go.
I can do this.

Let me leave you with a cute image of Angel-girl.
I found her a perfect 'just the right size' chair last weekend.

Blessings to you today.

Some of the Simple Joys......

2011-01-14T18:46:00.000-08:00

Some of the simple joys in life...

Funny how I walked around the store to get toys
that I thought would be just right....

when the damp napkin left over from
cleaning up lunch residue.....

is a treasure to behold.

May you also find the simple joys in your day today.

A Week in Review...

2011-01-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

Just before Christmas I began to care for our Angel-girl full time while my brother and sister-in-law are at work. I am having too much fun with her but also am acutely reminded that chasing a 16 month old around my house is not as easy as it used to be. I want to post an updated picture of her but she keeps me just busy enough that I don't think about snapping a picture until she is gone for the evening. Having a toddler around makes me laugh and I remember the joys in the simple things like.....taking a shower, nap time and praises go to the person who thought up the idea of a child play area corral. She is an adorable treasure.

My days are suddenly fast paced and it amazes me how I used to do this all the time and never thought a thing about it...because that is just what moms do.

5:30am My alarm is set for me to jump up each morning but in actuality I am awake at 4am when hubby has to roll out of bed to begin his day behind the wheel. I get up that early to get Puddin' set for school. I know at 17 years old she can technically get herself up and ready but I think it is so much more comforting to have a mom hug and warm breakfast waiting at the table while the world is still waking in the dark.

7:30am This is when I pull in the driveway from taking Puddin' to school and my brother is waiting in his truck for me to take Angel-girl.
The day is filled with play, breakfast, play, nap, lunch, play. Her little legs run her all over the house as she squeals in the delight of adventure until 2:30pm when her mom picks her up.

3pm till 4pm I rush around picking up things and throwing together dinner. Then grab Puddin' from school and start all of the evening things. With having young adult girls in the house that need to talk, download their days and get my opinion on things (which I am so grateful they all desire my input) it seems no matter how hard I try, I can't get into bed before midnight.
Then Hubby's alarm goes off at 4am......

I will adjust. I am a bit tired but I know things will balance out.

~~~~~

So how was the rest of my week beyond the basic schedule?
Here was a highlight...
Last Wednesday just before youth group I received a call from Icca-Chou. Her car was out of gas and she was stranded on the freeway. Poor thing. She tries so hard to keep gas in her tank but her gauge is broken and she doesn't always guess right. I picked her up and took her to youth so she could unwind and after the festivities we then borrowed a gas can and headed back.

There we were at 10pm at night on an unlit area of I-205 trying to stay far away from traffic while attempting to balance and pour a 5 gallon can of gas. A truck pulled up behind us and we all had a slight moment of panic. But the driver ended up being an angel for us. He was driving a tow truck and was on his way to cover his usual route when he saw us long the side of the road. He turned on his big lights and then took over pouring the gas can for us. He refused any compensation but a "God bless you" and a hand shake. Then he sat in his truck with lights shining and waited for both of us to safely pull back into traffic before heading on his way.
I have to say that even though I knew I could have been a big girl and take care of myself and the 5 girls with me.....I sure was grateful for 'entertaining angels'.

Here is a recent picture of Pippin, Puddin' and Icca-Chou. I love their joyful smiles here.

Friday morning the 3 girls set out for an adventure to a special youth conference 8 hours from here in Redding, California. That in itself was a stretch for me.....waving goodbye to two 19 year olds and a 17 year old as they set off on a road trip for 3 days in another state. They had an amazing time and are already anxious for more.
Pippin started her very own blog this last week so if you would like to visit her and hear about their trip please click here at Pippin's Mind.

~~~~~

I had a strange moment on Friday. I was walking through Walmart and checking off my list of needs and wants. Have you ever noticed that all Walmarts are set up basically the same? I learned that acutely that day. I was enjoying myself and browsing when I rounded a corner and all of a sudden I thought I was in Texas. (Walmart happened to be the place I did all my shopping while caring for Daddy because it was convenient in items and location.) There I was standing at the end of the soda isle holding my cart and I had this huge emotional wave of intense panic. My brain switched into "gotta hurry up and get back before Daddy wakes up and hurts himself. Think think think.....did I write down everything I need? Who cares. I have to get back."

It hit so strong. My heart rate and breathing picked up so fast that when I realized what I was doing, I really had to talk myself through staying calm and lot bolting out the door without my desired purchases.
It was all very strange. I have never lost track like that before.

*****

Another interesting thing for the week was that Hubby and I decided to take a road trip at the last minute. It is easier to travel when it is just the two of us so we loaded up an overnight bag, packed up the pups and headed 6 hours away to Spokane to surprise all of the kids. They were definitely surprised.

Little Miss Abbigial has grown so much. She is now 14 months old.

I packed ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies so that the 3 oldest grand kids and I could have fun doing a kitchen project. Brynn stayed by my side the whole time proclaiming dramatically how making cookies was such hard work as she sighed and wiped her hair out of her 5 year old face. The boys tired quickly of baking but were in sheer torture as I made them wait for cookies to cool before they could sample the finished product.

Later I tousled on the couch with Renner and tickled him until he flopped in my arms and sighed contentedly. Folded up in my arms he leaned back with chubby cheeks and sparkled eyes to say, "Grandma....you sure do like kids don'tcha?"

Here is a shot of the whole family. Kobe is on the left. He is a sweet boy that loves to sit with me and build things with Lego's and train sets as we discuss whatever important matter that pops into his head. Then there is Renner sitting in our son's lap. Abbigail is in our daughter-in-law's lap and Brynn is all the way on the right. You can't tell in this photo but Baby Isabel is there as well. She just won't be officially born until February 22nd.

Here is our eldest daughter.
We surprised her by walking in on her 31st birthday party.

The dogs traveled and weathered the weekend well.
I am very pleased that Conguito is calming down and becoming
very emotionally stable in transition to being here.
He slept in the car instead of pacing and whining.
He played with the kids and never had any accidents
out of behavior or otherwise.
Here he is taking a well deserved snooze after playing with the kids.

Kekoa enjoyed the trip too and adapted well to a house full of energetic children.
He learned quick that if he followed Abbigail around she would gladly
share her bottle with him.
Here he is in his favorite spot in the car...my lap.

Thank you for letting me ramble on.
Have a blessed and wonderful week!

A Prayer.....

2011-01-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

Father God, these failing emotions of mine are driving me crazy with inconsistency. How is it that once I was so stable and calm in any situation but now the slightest thing makes me feel like a fragile sapling in a torrential storm? I can be so steady for a handful of days and feel completely normal and then the smallest thing causes me to unleash with fiery anger or tears that make it hard to stand.

Yesterday started out so good. It was to compliment a whole string of good days that were in my pocket of memories. Then one person asked me how I was really doing and tears, fears, and doubts came out of nowhere like a starting gun had been shot at a horse race. Then again today was a good day with accomplishments and and joys. But a simple and logical disagreement with the corner "photos in an hour guy" brought out a nasty-ugly-sassy side of me that really needed a slap of consequence.

God I thank you that even now you love me. The song is constantly going through my mind in auto repeat.....

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name and I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I am not shocked by your weakness.
I am not shocked by your brokenness.
For I knew what I was getting into and I still love you.

I thank You God that your promises are a strong anchor, that everything is a season, that this too will change, that I am not alone, that You carry me, and that each day is new.

December 29, 2010 11:34pm

2010-12-29T13:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you for our birthday well wishes! Mom and I had a wonderful day together enjoying one another to ourselves. We had a quiet lunch at Bob's Red Mill and stuffed ourselves silly before topping it all off with a chai from Starbucks. That night we took the family out to roam a farm a few miles from here that decks out the whole property with lights and fairy tale story scenes. It was all a blessed day for everyone.

The passed couple of weeks have been filled with visits and friends from out of town. Precious Rixxi (the girl that used to room with us) came through town for a visit as well as other Gaggle members Raph and Harper. Having my home filled with giggles, smiles and girls everywhere I turned brought joy to my heart. They are always such a breath of fresh air for me.

For Christmas, I never could quite get into all of the things I normally do but I did bake for everyone something like 60 dozen cookies of my recipe for chocolate toffee cookies. Humbly speaking, I heard over and over again that they need to be sold because of their goodness. It just blesses me that something so simple brought smiles to people.

We bought presents for the grand kids (thank you Lord for Toys R Us being online and shipping everything for me). And then we also did presents for our 3 girls (our 2 being Pippin and Puddin as well as our "adopted" girl who now lives with us and delights in her new nickname of Icca) here at home.

Hubby and I vowed to not buy one another things for under the tree. Instead, we celebrated the fact that this past spring we became debt free. While that not so small feat enabled all of the traveling between here and Texas this last year and covered so many emergencies; it also made us able to buy one another much needed new (used) cars for Christmas. Yeah really.

We weren't set on doing right at Christmas time but I got up one morning hearing the words Craig's List again and again in my head and I figured why not look. We ended up with a couple of amazing deals that enabled us to package together this beautiful '06 Kia Sorento for me as well as an '04 Jeep Liberty for him. We turned in his beaten up car that kept trapping him inside the vehicle because of a broken door lock and we gave my old car to Pippin for her to use 100%. We are both too excited at our new toys.

Now with New Years around the bend my mind is starting to dwell on what the new year will bring. What are my goals? Where does God want me to be? What will my new plate of responsibilities look like?

As I am stepping out and putting my toes in the waters of events, I find that after a couple of days of usual stuff I definitely need a serious nap and feel very overwhelmed. I can't do like I used to do. Is it because of .....you know....everything and I must give myself time? Or is it because I am now 40 years old? Now isn't that dramatic? (Silly girl. It is only a number and you have never paid it the slightest attention before.) Or just maybe my routine from a year ago was way too much and I never slowed down long enough to figure that out.

Thank you God that I don't have to figure it out on my own.

December 17 And It Is A Great Day......

2010-12-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

I want to begin by saying thank you so much for all of your encouraging comments, advice and hugs. Thank you for reminding me that every season has a purpose and is valid and that I won't always feel the way I do. It has meant a lot to me as I begin each day.

With Christmas in the air I have been jumping and hopping, often with nothing to show for it but feeling tired at the end of the day all the same. I have been baking like crazy and did something like 20 dozen chocolate chip toffee cookies just yesterday (while assembling bedroom furniture with Pippin at the same time). Aside from our newly placed Christmas tree though, that is all I have to show for it at this moment. I haven't done a stitch of shopping yet and though I am always most definitely done by now, I don't feel bothered at all.

There have been parties to attend, extra work hours for Pippin and then with Puddin in the advanced choirs this year there has been many beautiful and talented performances. Girlfriends have been spending most every night as the last of the school work gets finished and the winter break begins. The daily things have still beckoned for attention as well with chores and errands. Even crisis have crept up as (maybe to be written about at a later date) I have been counseling with a parent and his teen daughter on things she was scared to confess to him and how to move forward from here.

Today is a special day. It is the day that Mom and I celebrate our birthdays. How cool is that? Nope, she never planned it that way. It just happens that I was her birthday present 40 years ago. Yeah....40 years. I have never been one for giving the faintest bit of attention to numbers and age. But this one has a little bit of change in it for me. It just feels vaguely strange.

In a couple of hours I get to go spend the day with my mom. It is our special time together and we look forward to it every year. We only live 15 minutes apart and see each other weekly. But our birthday is the only time that we can go do something for a bit of time without others saying, "hey whatcha doing? That sounds fun. Can I come too?"
I try to surprise her every year with a new lunch destination and she makes a game out of trying to figure it all out before we get there. I have learned to not tell a soul my plans because she can be wonderfully crafty and good hearted at extracting information. It is funny.

I would tell you where we are going today but since I am so very much like my mom, I am a bit too quick for that. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Mom you won't find out here. You will just have to wait a couple more hours. wink wink

Have a blessed and wonderfully amazing day today.

Grieving Is Never Orderly.....

2010-12-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look at my blog and want to write a post but then with this season of my life I think that it seems I either write a string of downers or I pendulum to extremes with highs and lows. I look into my imaginary mirror and think, "Why write then? Who would feel encouraged by reading inconsistencies such as yours?"

That small voice answers, "Who would? Anyone who admits to being human and real would. Just tell the truth and it will make a difference."
So this is me being transparent, not only to sort through my own thoughts but also with hopes of helping others.

I have now been home from Texas for 3 weeks. Looking at that sentence right now feels like a shock as I have gone through my days without equating a real time line to anything until this very moment.

As I have said before, I really have been pretty fine. It is so good to be home. I missed the rain, the trees, cold weather, mountains and most of all my family and friends. But somewhere in the recesses of my mind I have had this gnawing thought chip away at me that I am too fine. I have edged out into doing some activities and social events and truly had a good time doing them. But still.....

Saturday morning I woke and felt like I didn't even want to get out of bed. The girls had their social events planned and I had a day of errands and cooking to accomplish on a deadline. There were things to do and though check lists normally drive me, I had no desire to do anything. Desire or not, things had to be done. So I methodically switched into auto-pilot and check marked off my day. By mid afternoon I felt like I had hit a wall and had to pull the car over to make the world stop spinning.

As I sat there absently watching cars go by, I questioned my fragile state and begged God for answers. I saw the pages of a calendar float by in my mind with different dates check marked and circled. I realized that even before I flew to Texas, my heart with already with my daddy and essentially I have lived this past year physically and mentally in 2 very different places. In one place I was mother, wife, teacher, administrator and organizer. In the other I was daughter and care giver. Both situations were as diverse as the climate and region I resided in.

I have spent the last few weeks with it being relatively easy to block off certain feelings because I am in such a different location. It feels like being with Daddy was a lifetime ago. When I have answered that I am fine to peoples' questions, I wasn't lying. I really was fine. So why is it hard now? It is hard because I need to remember that it hasn't been a long time like my mind wants to quarantine it into being.

I find that really; I do but I don't want to talk about it with most people.....my experience, my daddy, my feelings. I do but I don't want to know how they understand and relate because they lost their parents too. I do and don't want to share because their hurt can't possibly be like my hurt. I know that is not true but it is my first thought all the same.

I know all the truths; that Daddy is in heaven, that he is happy and healthy, that he has no pain and walks with no limp, that he has no confusion, that others comment to being jealous of where he is, that he is in the amazing presence of God and one day I will be there with him. I know all these things and believe it all emphatically. But I don't find it comforting for anyone to tell me those things. I find it only makes my own feels feel squashed and non-valid.

And yet, I have a friend who lost her dad just a few weeks before me and I look forward to talking with her about our dads. Even when I really am fine, her hugs are a welcome relief that I don't want to let go of because there is nothing attached to them but a kindred connection that comes from raw experience. There is safety and comfort in that.

I don't mean to sound that anyone else has less compassion or wrong compassion or fake compassion. It is just hard to have to talk about the same thing over and over again. And yet....if no one asked and expected me to simply move on then that would hurt too wouldn't it?

There is no easy way around it.
4 short weeks ago I was in Texas dealing with hospice's crisis care team moving in as I called family members and watched Daddy struggle through his last days. No matter what truths I know in my heart, mind and spirit; the truth is that I am raw and tired.
It is going to take time for me to balance out and feel real.
In time I will not have to remind myself to get through a day.
In time home will really feel like home with no tentacles spread out in different directions.
In time...

Evaluations, Concert Tickets and Peace.....

2010-12-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

Things have been going well for me these past couple of weeks. My home, while messy and unorganized, feels like my home again. My sleep is good and I am starting to review how I should really fill my days. I am re-evaluating my goals and desires as I look at myself in the mirror because I don't want it to all of a sudden be years down the road and have to think on the things I never took the time to do. I figure these are all normal thoughts and I tell myself that evaluation and goals are always a good thing.

I definitely do not feel that it is Christmas time. The girls are asking about decorating and getting a tree. Normally it is all done by now. I am not depressed or in denial. My problem is that when I left last January to go care for Daddy I had just put the Christmas decorations away. The weather was cold and rainy like it is now. So for the practical principle idea that our memories associate with familiarity....I feel like I just celebrated Christmas here. It is a strange feeling. My family is being very patient and understanding but I think I need to get myself into gear and prepare for the season for their sakes.

But on to other things. What is this in my title about concert tickets?
Boy do I have a story for you.
There will be a concert here January 29th that Puddin' has been really wanting to attend. It will be performed by Toby Mac which is currently her big favorite, second in line only to Jesus Culture. Tickets go on sale tomorrow morning.

The local radio station has been running a contest this week for people to win tickets. For part of the contest people were asked to email in their phone numbers to be put into a drawing. Then at 7:10 each morning a random number would be pulled and dialed. The catch is that the person receiving the call cannot answer with hello. Instead they have to say one of the radio station's catch phrases.

Yesterday I submitted our phone numbers just to give it a try and then promptly forgot about it until this morning as we were driving to school. At 7:02am I remembered and laughingly told Puddin' that if we get a phone call in the next few minutes we had to answer a certain way to win the tickets.

So there we were sitting in the parking lot of the school listening to the radio for the contest when the announcer said, "It is now 7:10 and we have actually already called a couple of people to win these tickets but they didn't answer the phone correctly. Let's do one more phone call and hopefully this will be the winner. Okay folks, it's ringing. Let's see what happens."

As he said that, my phone started to vibrate that a call was coming in. My very first thought was, "Oh bummer. I wanted to hear what happens on the radio but now I have to take a phone call." Then it dawned on my that my phone ringing coincided with the ringing on the radio. They were calling MY phone!

You know all the funny screaming and carrying on that you hear people do on the radio when they win something and you think you would of course be more calm if it was you? Yeah....totally not a reality. Puddin' and I carried on laughing and screaming as I answered the phone in the correct way and won 2nd row tickets to a concert that hasn't even released ticket sales yet.

It is just amazing. I still can't believe it actually happened. I did this so she could have the tickets and she wants ME to go with her. How is that for a fun mother/daughter evening? What a blessing after everything that has happened.

~~~~~

Now on a totally different train of thought, I want to share a revelation I had this morning. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the whole concept so please bear with me.

I was sitting at the table doing my morning devotion and I stumbled across a scripture that called Jesus the Prince of Peace. I kept reading on but my mind was circling back around to this characteristic name of Jesus and what that really means to me. Here is what I came up with...

When we ask Jesus to be a part of our daily lives we become interconnected. We become children of God and just like when children on earth take on the DNA of their parents, we take on God's spiritual DNA that gives us His character traits and strengths.

DNA is a permanent thing that is whole from the beginning. A child does not grow into having a cleft chin. He has it at birth from his parents. So the same is true for God's DNA in us. I have the ability to make Godly character choices from the beginning because the DNA is there. It is not given to me in levels of DNA as I earn it. God loves us whole from the beginning.

Then I started to think about all the times I have prayed for peace.
God I am scared. Please give me your peace.
God I am tense. Please give me your peace.
God I feel weird. Please give me your peace.

It hit me that it is not peace that I should be asking for because it is already there within me as part of my spiritual DNA. Instead I should be focusing on accepting God's character as my own. I don't have to beg or plead for His character because it is already in me to be so. Instead I should speak thankfulness for that peace. There is power in our words and the more I/we acknowledge that peace then the more my mind turns attention to it instead of the other stuff around us.

That is basically what hit me so strong this morning. As my thoughts are jumping all over the place in my own understanding, I don't know if I have explained it well here. I hope I have because I think it is a powerful thing of hope and encouragement to have.
It is definitely more of what I need right now.

Thank you for taking the time to share and be with me today.
I pray that you enjoy an amazing God filled day of purpose and destiny for each moment was created just for you.

Thank you Father God for your encouragement and your DNA inheritance that You give to us. You are so amazing!

My Vision....

2010-11-22T22:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Sunday. I was anxious to go to church but apprehensive at the same time. Why?....I don't know. The only pressure I have ever felt there is the pressure I put on myself. Maybe it was because I had my own expectations of how I thought the day should be. Maybe it was because it had been so long since I had been.

It was good to see everyone and even to meet so many new people. 9 months of being gone is a long time. There were many well intentioned people and for some reason I didn't think to plan emotionally for that. I received everything from heart felt condolences to the ones who didn't know what happened and asked if I had fun on my vacation.

By the time worship started I was already wiped out and wanted so badly to simply focus on me and God. What happened next you may or may not believe but I will describe it the best I possibly can.
I couldn't tell you the song we were singing now even if I tried. I just know it was something about dancing with angels. I wasn't hoping for anything. I wasn't asking for anything. But for a split second the ceiling and sky opened up and I saw Daddy in heaven. It happened so fast and so brief I barely had time to gasp.

I couldn't tell you what he was wearing or even how old he was. He was the same but he was different. I can't find words that describe how he was. I simply knew it was him. He was running and laughing and he looked at me and winked with that characteristic sparkle he always had. In that split second I felt his joy and peace....that joy and peace of being with Papa God in complete perfection.
Oh what an amazing feeling.
What an amazing gift.
I could have gone the rest of my life with the satisfaction of knowing he is in heaven without being given that image. I have been learning to adjust to the last images I have in my mind of him being so weak and feeble, hearing his caged and garbled breathing echo in my head for days even after he was gone; those sounds so strong to me that I caught myself wondering how everyone could be so relaxed in the next room while I could hear him struggling so.

But God gave me this gift. I don't know why but He did.
Some would say it was my imagination. It was my way to cope.
But I know what I saw and I know what I felt.
I am telling you, there is so much more for us than what we know in our every day world.

Moving On....

2010-11-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since I have written so I wanted to sit down and update things.

Ok I have now erased and started this post over 5 times. God please help me sort this out.

I am glad to be home but feel overwhelmed at the same time. My home is comforting but at the same time it feels claustrophobic for me. My family did so good while I was gone and I feel antsy with trying to find my niche again. For weeks I ate fast food and about a million bowls of cereal while taking care of Daddy. So now my pantry looks like a daunting task as I figure what to feed everyone.

I was so wound up for so long with taking care of Daddy that I am now taking muscle relaxants to make myself let loose. My sleep schedule is finally starting to succumb to not waking every hour as I get used to not needing to administer medication or quell a disillusioned sense of time.

God held my hands and heart while I dealt with being Daddy's care giver, doing everything from bathing him in the middle of the night after an accident to re-teaching him over and over again the simplest of tasks. Now I am trying to find the balance between sorting through it and letting go.

I dream about him. In my dreams I keep trying to convince others that he isn't here anymore but they won't listen to me.

A couple of times I have found myself questioning my actions before I even realize it. If I had pushed his nutrition more would he still be here? Then I throw the thought out with the dirty trash it belongs to, that despicable evil that revels in having us place blame on ourselves and not see God's truth. Daddy's body rejected nutrition and fluids of any sort. Even in his last few days, giving him 10cc of water with his medicine was too much for his lungs to handle.

No, I know I did the best I could. It is just strange to move on after having 9 months of my life on hold, after being with my Daddy and being given time that I never thought I would have in my wildest dreams. It wasn't that long ago that I once thought there would be a day when I would be at Daddy's funeral and no one would know who I was. But reality put me in a place of honor. I went from being the imagined nobody to the daughter receiving his honored memorial flag.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you but it does to me. I think it is amazing how God rescued our relationship so greatly to have us go from barely knowing one another to now. God brought us full circle and redeemed our love to a place of rich honor.

I know not to expect big things of myself right now. I am not going to jump right back into activities and responsibilities. I can't even fathom that next week is Thanksgiving and then the wonderful season of Christmas. I know I need time to just be me and spend lots of time with my loving and compassionate God.

Thank you so much for your encouragements left here in comments and for your prayers offered up to the heavens that never cease to listen.
I pray for you to have an amazing God filled day and that you know beyond doubt you are loved and important.

The Funeral....

2010-11-12T21:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Daddy's funeral service. How appropriate that we were able to make arrangements for it to be on Veteran's Day to honor him. The service was beautiful. I have been to a fair amount of funerals in my life for family and friends but none have ever been as difficult as this was. I was completely unprepared and it took me quite a while before I could walk into the room where Daddy's open casket was. Later, I felt the earth spin under my feet when the honor guard presented me with his flag and as the gun volley rang through the air I could feel it echo in my heart.

I am so very tired and find myself stopping in the midst of the simplest task. We are taking a few days to try and help get some things organized with the house and will fly back home on Monday.

Below are the things my brother and I shared during the service. I am so proud of my brother. Before he shared the poem he had written a few years ago, he gave everyone time to think about their relationships with God and the assurance that they too could have access to the strength and comfort that God generously gave to Daddy in this last year.
Here is the poem he wrote....

My Pop

My Pop you should know that I love you so.
You are my friend, my guardian and mentor.
There are so many gifts you've given to me
that I would like to thank you for...

You showed to me what it is to be
Light hearted but not fully a clown.
You taught me how to ride a bike
And to pick myself up when I've fallen down.

I've inherited your laugh and your love of words,
Your vocabulary and your diction,
And even your knack for pausing mid-sentence
..........
To make sure they are still paying attention.

I've been given your walk, your swagger and strut.
Man I got some teasing on that one.
but I just flash 'em your smile and a raise of the eyebrow
And together we all can laugh some.

All this and more you've passed to your son
To mold me into a good man
And I'm proud to be what you've helped me to be
In your image, the man I am.

Here is what I shared.......

I have been trying for days to figure out what I could possibly say that could sum up the life of my daddy. What could I share with you about his character that you don’t already know? How could I put to words the joy and honor of being his little girl for almost 40 years? Even ample use of a thesaurus doesn’t fully give meaning to his determined and unending devotion. And the wealth that I have owned in my relationship with him I have seen magnified over and over again in each of you.

While it pains my heart so greatly to know that I won’t feel those snuggly cuddly papa bear hugs anymore or hear his voice saying, “Good night angel. I love you.” I know that he is in the most amazing place now and I am so happy for him. He is not hurting and he is surrounding by so much joy and love from the amazing star breather and universe creating God that made all of our lives and relationships possible.

Instead I want to share with you a dream that a friend of mine from back home had just before Daddy passed away. This friend never met my daddy but has faithfully prayed for him as well as all of us since the beginning of his sickness. Here is the dream she saw….

Jody's Home-Going

I saw 2 very large angels with gold wing's that nearly touched the ground. There were 2 large gates with 1 angel in back of each gate. The air was tense, like the feeling at a race before the gun goes off, or your team runs on the field. I could tell the gate angels could hardly wait.

A large group of restless people were a short distance from the angels. I did not hear a sound, but I knew when the Lord said "now", in a normal tone - like saying hello if He first met you.

Each gate angel grabbed their gate and threw it wide open. The crowd roared and ran forward. Every person wanted to be the first to hug, shake hands, or pat Jody on the back.

The crowd was so large those toward the back could not see who had arrived. Then people in front started calling back. It's Jody! It's Jody!! It's Jody!! Jody's Home!! Jody's home!! This is as much as I saw, however I have a very strong feeling the party is still going on.

Eternity...

2010-11-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

When I posted my previous update a couple of days ago I received many encouragements and comforts via email. One in particular I want to share here is from a friend back home that said:
This morning just as I woke I "saw" the following "picture." Two angel's with very large wings. Each holding on to very large gates. They were looking down the road, waiting to throw the gates wide open for your father. A crowd in back of them is waiting to welcome him home. (I saw this before I saw your email.)

My daddy, always watching over others and wanting to never bring extra attention to his own needs, even had his way in his last moments. For hours into the night myself along with my sister and cousin all stayed by his side holding his hands and soothing him as his body worked to keep doing what it was made to do.
At 12:15am in the single 5 minutes that we stepped out of the room and the nurse went to go get something.....that was the time that he decided ok everyone is occupied. Now I can do what I need to do with no fan fare without anyone fussing over me.

My daddy is now at peace and more healthy and happy than he has been in his entire life. There is no more pain, no more sinus problems, no more stomach irritability, no sore nerves, no arthritis, no nothing.
That has all been replaced with God's unceasing never ending joy in a new body that will never age or break. He is immersed in a beautiful forever atmosphere of perfection the likes of which our imaginations can only grasp the concept of in a minuscule reality. He is with his parents and siblings and wife and most importantly he is with the Creator and Artist who fashioned his life out of love and intense devotion for a purpose far beyond this temporary earthly time.

Those who didn't receive a phone call from me please understand and don't be hurt.
Knowing that our time was short I pushed myself in the things I felt mattered most. Now my body is completely depleted from lack of sleep and my feet and ankles are so swollen I can barely walk. My cousin has devotedly stayed by my side to tend to my needs in all the things I have not the strength or thought process for and I am so grateful. My husband and girls will be flying in tonight and other family is on their way as we begin working out details for the next few days.

Thank you for all your prayers over these last many months.
Thank you....

Changes...

2010-11-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

So much has changed.
The strength of our minds and what we will ourselves to push through has never been more apparent to me than it is now. It amazes me to look back now and realize just how much Daddy has been pushing himself through with his continual response of "I'm just wonderful".

Wednesday morning at 5am Daddy got up from his chair and in 3 steps he lost the last of his physical strength. With God's help I was able to keep both of us from falling and fen angled him back into his recliner where I balanced him on the edge of his seat for almost 2 hours until my morning help arrived.

Daddy is now comfortable in the bed and I must keep him medicated around the clock for his safety and peace. Once he became weak, Daddy's physical health declined rapidly. In a matter of hours we went from being able to walk outside and carry on short conversations to my own fearing realization that I couldn't not safely provide care for him by myself.

Our amazing angel, our hospice care manager, began the process the yesterday morning of getting around the clock nursing staff in here to help me. I am so grateful. Such a weight has been lifted off of me in knowing it is not my sole responsibility to continuously assess Daddy's vitals and think of every angle of his care. It is such a relief to not have to plan out how to turn him and change him by myself. The nurse here has helped me to adjust his medication and get him into a place where he is more comfortable than he has been in a week.

Despite his lethargy, his body's refusal for nutrition and hydration as well as his lungs becoming more wet by the hour.....he still tries to lift his hand and mumble when I whisper "I love you" in his ear.

My brother is here now and he has been such an amazing support. His presence here has given me the opportunity to relax my mind and not think ten steps ahead. As he laid his luggage on the floor he was asking me to show him how to use the various pieces of medical equipment here so that he could do everything that I had been doing.

I don't like to leave Daddy for very long and I sleep on a chase that I put next to his bed. But having the nurse here last night gave me the opportunity to feel safety in submitting to sleep. Until the nurses arrived with their blessed help I had been administering calming medication every hour with no breaks for 3 days straight and sleeping in 3o minute increments.

Family will be driving in today and Red Cross has made the necessary arrangements to get our youngest brother back here from Iraq.

I don't know what will happen now but I am so grateful for God's hand in keeping us safe and for providing caring and gracious people all around.

The Stirring Spoon...

2010-11-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last night Daddy fell again. It was a very innocent thing and as we are learning....stuff just happens.
He was outside with a family member and went to lean against a support post but missed it all together. That sent him spinning and he broke his fall on the corner of the house with the middle of his forehead before landing on the ground. He has scuffs on both elbows and both knees as well as a skinned up "beauty spot" on his head about the size of the palm of my hand.
Poor guy.

Hospice came right out and did an assessment for concussion and bandaged him up nicely. I sure am grateful for their 24 hour services. It is such a blessing to have someone just a phone call away while Daddy can stay calm and relax in his recliner. And as an extra benefit, I have been told over and over again that our nurse is the best case manager in the whole division....which I agree. I am so grateful for her professional knowledge as well as her support and encouragement as a friend.

Daddy accepted the bed with ease. Thank you! My cousin came over the morning it was being delivered and explained it to him in a way that appealed to him most...his logic. There are some things that I can get away with getting him to do because I am his daughter. But other things like the bed...he wouldn't have accepted it from me and would have put his foot down in authority. Those things then default to my cousin and she handles it all very well. It was simply a matter of : using his insurance to its fullest advantage. This way we have a bed here that we didn't have to go buy and its available if anyone happens to need a nap.

Plus with it being electric we will use it to do his dressing changes and it will really save on our backs because it can raise in height. Being the loving man that he is, he wanted to do what he could to make us more comfortable. Yesterday after his bath aide left (which was a male aide and they got along wonderfully praise God) I set him up in the bed for clean dressings and he fell asleep for 30 minutes! Yahoo! I will take every milestone we can get and celebrate gladly.

His dreams come and go. Sometimes we are sitting in the bleachers waiting for the ball game to start while others are a dream that rather resembles an old tv show. He even said to me, "I know this sounds like some crazy tv show but I swear to God its the truth. Please believe what I am going to tell you."

Whatever his story is, I have learned to go along with it as best as I can and he will usually refocus or get tired. It stresses him more if we try to argue and explain reality.

This morning was a bit different and he was quite determined with his thought process for over an hour and a half before sleep over took him again. He'd had a fitful night of sleep after his fall and was wound up pretty tight. He was determined that he needed to go find something in the front yard and commented casually that he might just take a quick climb over the fence to go after it. After going through the front door we got all the way next door before I was able to coax him back into the house by using the logic that it was 55 degrees outside and we were in shorts and pjs.
Since he has fallen back asleep I have stood guard over him willing the phone not to ring in disturbance. I am praying he wakes with a calmness and feeling refreshed.

I look at him, this man that is my Daddy and even now I am so grateful to be here. I don't understand all that has happened to him in such a short amount of time but I see he is still in there. Our minds are a powerful thing and he has an amazing memory. It is just that something of a stirring spoon took a twist inside his thoughts and swirled them all together.

He is still my loving and caring Daddy.
I don't know what memory he was entertaining last night but as we were getting ready for sleep he grabbed my hand and said, "I want you to know I saw what you did for that little boy today. You stood ground when no one else would and I admire you for that. You are a very special woman. Tomorrow is going to be another shock wave to tend to but know that I will be there standing beside you. It will be my honor to do so." That sort of stuff makes me want to hug him and never let go.

My brother will be here in 2 days for a weekend visit. I am so grateful he can come. Daddy is really looking forward to it too. When I first told him a couple days ago about the impending visit he welled up with tears. Every day since, he brings it up several times that his son is on his way here and how much he has been looking forward to more time with him.

For now I must get going.
Take care and enjoy your day to its fullest. In all that you do know that you were created with purpose and destiny and fashioned with an everlasting love.

Thank You God for your love and support that never fails and never ends. Your whispers of encouragement in the gentle embraces of a hug and even in the breeze tickling through the trees speak of your amazing presence.

Heart Blessings and Recipes.....

2010-10-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

My step brother is spending the night tonight to give me a full night of sleep. Praise God I am so grateful for the help. Daddy was up every half hour last night until about 5am. I never could figure out the right combination of too hot/too cold or too bright/ too dark until he realized himself that he was having a hard time. Then the silent tears on his face told me he needed a hug and a prayer and he was instantly asleep.

When we come to mind this weekend please be praying for us. Even though he is so weak and forgets what he is doing in mid task....he is upset that I ordered a bath aide and insists he can do it all by himself. I haven't even broached the idea that a hospital bed is being delivered on Monday. I am going to have to catch just the right opportunity and phrasing in presenting it to him because he feels that having that bed here is a representation he doesn't want to deal with.

I completely understand that and have held off for a long time because of his feelings but my back is really killing me as I try to do medications and dressing changes stooped over his recliner. A bed will be safer for him too I think. Many times at night when he is disoriented he says to me, "oh by the way miss. Where should I sleep this evening?" I explain that he has preferred his recliner for the last several years and he is happy with that but I sure would love to point him to a real bed.

The above picture was taken a bout a month ago when some of Daddy's special friends were visiting. They sent it to us in the mail the other day along with other pictures and a card full of loving well wishes. The original picture is much better than this one. I just took a cell phone shot of the original so I could share it here.

Why is this picture special to me? Yes, it is of me and my daddy. But I also see something in this picture that I didn't share with anyone when it was taken. For the past few months I have been sure to be the picture taker for people who visit because I know they want something to cherish and hold to. But my last picture with him was back in March when we did The Melting Pot dinner. I had secretly been asking God if I could have a picture taken of him and me but never felt it conducive to the right time in our daily routine.

That is just what happened that day. I was snapping pictures with every one's' cameras and then his/my precious friend said, "Okay now its your turn for a picture." I wanted to cry right then and there with gratefulness but held back and tried to memorize the feel of Daddy's arm around my shoulder. I've had a million hugs from him since then and I cherish each one. But this one was somehow different and I felt like we both knew it.

~~~~~

A couple of days ago my step brother was over for a visit and Daddy was taking a nap. Having an extra person here afforded me the opportunity to do some baking...which is huge therapy for me. I do enjoy meal cooking when I know others will enjoy it but I stress over the tiniest detail in wanting everything to be right....and always end up making way too much. But baking is something like breathing for me. Give me a recipe to bake and focus on and my step suddenly gets lighter.

That day I chose to make almond cranberry biscotti. I know that sounds like a crazy time consuming thing to make given my circumstances right now but I loved every second of it. I figured even if it took me 3 days to do the double baking in between Daddy needing me then that was perfectly okay by me.

I have made this recipe a few times now and though I have many biscotti recipes at home, this one has become my favorite. It is really easy and with having no oil or butter in the ingredients list it makes for a pretty guilt free decadent treat. I am sharing it with you here so you can give it a try and enjoy it too.

Cranberry Almond Biscotti

Ingredients:
2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
2 large eggs
2 large egg whites
1 TBSP almond or vanilla extract
1 (6oz) package dried cranberries
3/4 cup sliced almonds
optional: 1 bag Hershey's Dark Chocolate Chips (for drizzle and dip coating)

Directions:
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees
- Combine dry ingredients in a medium mixing bowl.
- Whisk together eggs, egg whites and extract in separate bowl
- Add liquids to the dry ingredients and mix with an electric mixer on medium speed (I just use my clean hands so I know for sure when it is all mixed from the bottom.)
- Add cranberries and almonds and mix thoroughly.
- Using a liberal amount of flour on your hands, divide the dough in half on a cookie sheet and shape into logs approximately 14" long and 1 1/2 " wide.
- Bake for 30 minutes.

- Reduce over temperature to 300 degrees.
- Take biscotti bread off cookie sheet and place on cooling rack for about 15 minutes.
- Cut biscotti into 1/2 inch slices and lay on their sides on cookie sheet.
- Bake each side for 10 minutes.

- If you would like to coat with dark chocolate for an extra nice touch (both on the palette and presentation):
- Melt dark chocolate chips in a microwave safe bowl stirring at 30 second intervals to keep from burning. (Usually takes 1 1/2 minutes total)
- Lay wax paper out on the counter.
- You can chocolate your biscotti different ways:
* Dip one end in and then lay on wax paper to harden. This gives a sweet treat while keeping fingers clean while you eat.
* Drizzle by spoon over biscotti that is already standing up on wax paper. Chocolate gets everywhere but it is fun art work.
* Spread chocolate on the bottom of biscotti with a spoon and then stand on wax paper.
- No matter what you choose, let the chocolate set for a few hours and then pull off the wax paper and store in loose covered container.

Makes approximately 2 1/2 dozen.
Also makes a fun gift accompanied with some homemade hot cocoa mix.
(I use empty sterilized old candle jars for putting cocoa mixes in...but that is another recipe to share on another day.) :-)

Enjoy and be blessed in knowing you are so loved.

The White Room...

2010-10-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

On the whole....
We have all either had the kids / seen the kids / or been the kids (that incorporates everyone) who would protest at the thought of being tired and not want a nap. Yet when the magical slumber finally overtakes and does it's battery charging, the protester wakes up with a new outlook on life. As we grow and mature in emotion we learn coping skills to listen to our bodies instead of covering up that little voice that says "I don't wanna".

I am learning that this is one of the things that my daddy is losing. As his body and mind get tired; he fidgets, mumbles, arranges imaginary items and slips more into that confused state where all time lines become one.

I wrote the above last night after Daddy had gone through several hours of being tired but not wanting to sleep. Even as he was slumped over in his chair he still wouldn't let me lay back his recliner and kept waking himself up to do imaginary sorting tasks. It is so hard. I feel for him. I can see when reality hits him that he hasn't been his usual self and it scares him to be out of control of his normal behavior. Watching him deteriorate from cancer and chemo...I used to think it was a cruel thing. Now that his short and long term memory is failing I think it is the most horrid thing for a person and their family to have to cope with.

I know that the stories I relate here can be overwhelming and heart breaking to read and imagine. If they get too much to bear, it is okay to not read. I understand. But I want to encourage you to read beyond the pain and continue to see the ways that God is bringing us comfort and showing we are never without Him. With God.....well there is simply no other way I could have the strength to bear all of these heart wrenching months and still find joy in things.

This morning Daddy woke to thinking he was in college and I was one of his fellow peers. While I never pretend to be someone I am not, I do go along with his dreams now because it is less stress and trauma for him. Usually he will simply give up on the dream and commence to enjoying whatever I set us to doing. I convinced him that we didn't need to be in the living room (he called it the lecture hall) and we could instead bundle up to head outside to the patio (he called it the commons smoking area) for a cigarette break.

He marveled over his dogs and was very worried that they would get lost in the yard (he called it the campus) but I assured him we were in a fenced area and they were safe. It was quite a blustery morning and I offered to go back inside to fetch a blanket for his legs much to his thankfulness. I was gone all of maybe 15 seconds.

When I returned with the blanket he looked at me with tears covering his face and said, "What is your name again?"
I pleasantly said, "Oh it's Julie."
Instantly pain, shame and fear became his expression as he threw out his arms to me and blubbered, "Oh Julie my baby girl! My precious angel baby! I didn't know who you were! I am so sorry!" Then he threw the blanket off his legs and patted his lap. "Come on baby. Come sit in your daddy's lap and let me hold you please. Oh my baby. My baby girl."

As careful as I could, I did balance myself into his lap.....because that has been such a wish of mine all these months....the comfort of being in my Daddy's lap one more time.

He switched into protective father mode and ushered us into the house out of the cold, tears still streaming as he marveled over his little girl. I offered him some breakfast and asked what he desired. His response was, "Baby girl anything you want to do for me would be wonderful. Just surprise me."

I walked over and gave him a hug and that brought on a fresh wave of deep soul wailing as he sobbed, "I will take that over anything any time. I am so sorry I wasn't a better father to you. I should have done so much more."

I held his face in my hands and said, "Oh Daddy, You are the best daddy in the world and I am so proud you are mine. I wouldn't change anything."

At that point my cousin walked in for a quick visit after getting off night shift in ICU. I was so grateful she stopped by. Poor thing didn't know what she was walking into but took over for me for a few minutes. She had Daddy tell her about his dream in hopes of being able to shake it off. He said that when I went to get his blanket, some people ushered him into a white room and told him to sit down. Then they all began looking at one another and asking the question, "Do you think he is ready?" "No not just yet." They all looked at him and said, "No you aren't ready yet."

When he told her that part, the tears came fresh as he said, "I wanna be done. When will it be enough?" He grabbed our hands and pleaded, "Please pray with me." We prayed for peace, we prayed for comfort, we prayed for clarity. Then he settled down and went to sleep.

That was all in the first hour or so of the day. The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful for him as far as drama goes. My step sister came over to be with Daddy while I got out for a few hours of reprieve and errands. I met with one of Daddy's work friends for lunch. She is such a sweet young woman who thinks of my daddy as kin to her own in her heart and I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Afterward I did things like cut my hair, bought our grand daughter her birthday gift and shopped for groceries.

Once I got home I met with the hospice nurse and did our mid week check up. I ordered care for a bath aide to come in three times a week and also for us to have delivery of a hospital bed. Daddy is not going to like that at all but I will have to cross that bridge and tell him eventually. I think at this point it is better to have it here and not use it than to wish we had it and not have it. Our nurse again stressed to me that even though Daddy is confused now, there will come a time soon when it will be more so. She made it clear that whoever needs to see him while he is clear that they really need to do it now.

Physically Daddy is getting around well with his walker and has good strength. Sometimes he even grumbles and rolls his eyes when I catch him trying to walk unsteady without his walker. I am working hard at getting his calories into him every day but so far I have only succeeded in 1000 per day. I can't use the feeding pump anymore because the tubing confuses him so much. His "figure things out by taking it apart" persona wants to do just that when he sees this strange tube coming out of his belly OR when he wakes in a dream state it is simply too much for me to wrestle with as I deal with imagined places and people. So every 1 1/2 hours during the day I bolist his feeding and water into his peg tube via syringes. Before this last round of chemo he was doing 2500 calories per day. Eventually I think this 1000 calories will take a toll on him but I am doing all I can do and don't chide myself for it.

And life is still going on in other areas of my heart as well. Dear Pippin had the wonderful experience of serving jury duty this week. It was quite a journey for her to get the time off work and venture downtown on mass transit to the city courthouse across the river but she did and I just know this has all been one of those milestone growing experiences for her. I am so proud of her.

Puddin, my baby, is about to turn 17 years old in 3 short days. Hubby just had parent teacher conferences last night at her school and heard glowing reviews from all. You gotta know how exciting that is to hear as the mama. She is handling her school schedule with extra zero periods and then social life with being one of the band drummers for youth and singer for adult worship very well. I am proud of her too.

Father God I thank you for your care, your grace, your mercy, your love, your presence and your never ending encouragement. Thank you that even when Daddy was so desperate today he knew that You could make things better. Thank you for clear starry skies tonight and the cool wind that blew today giving me a ticklish reminder of home.

Swirled Together...

2010-10-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at how quickly things have changed. Just a few days ago the chemo had robbed so much strength that every step Daddy took was a teetering brink of disaster and I was sure he and I would both end up on the floor even when using his walker and a gait belt. I feared every sound would wake him from a nap and bring about a new barrage of incoherent confusion. I don't know how else to relate it, but it sorely reminded me of when the girls were babies. I slept when they slept. My eyes and ears were in tune to every breath and movement they made to guard over their safety. That is life with my daddy now.

Things are a bit different now. We have started him on a medication cocktail called ABH which is an acronym for Adivan, Benadryl and Haladol. I know using the drug Haladol brings concern for many because of its reputation. Frankly the hair stood up on the back of my neck when our hospice nurse first suggested it. But I have now learned that the combination of the three together offsets those side effects. For us it has become the key element in balance for Daddy.

The ABH is counteracting the agitation and anxiety along with his confusion to a certain extent. The nurse says that over time the chemo treatments have really taken a toll on the cognition firings of his brain. Like I said before, it is how his body has shown over time to handle stress. We are all realizing over time we saw signs that he was pretending and going with the flow when he wasn't sure about things. We attributed it to him waking from a nap or confusing the days because he didn't get out of the house much. It was so much more than that but he didn't want to admit it either.

The ABH is helping to balance that out. Eventually we will need to increase his dosage as things progress. For now his time line is blended with a somewhat manageable mix of past, present and dream images all at the same time. He knows me as his daughter, trusts me to answer all of his questions and do all things for him. At the same time he questions several times a day who's house we are in or when I decided to move away from Phoenix (even though I have never lived there). He will regularly ask me to get his brother George from the next room (who died some 45 years ago) and then, like last night, cry at his own admission that brother Marvin will be the last one alive of all the 6 boys. I have to give him constant directions around the house because he forgets where items as well as rooms are and often thinks we live in a 2 story home instead of a ranch style. Last night when I told him it was a one story home again he sighed, looked me in the eye and said, "Julie, just go ask your mother and she will explain it all so you can understand ok."

This morning he was too agitated to sleep so I gave him some mail to open. I don't mean it to sound bad by saying I did it to occupy him. It is just that his brain needed something to focus on. He can't focus to read what he is opening but he knows the envelopes need to be opened and it calms his need of knowing he is supposed to be doing something.

Physically his strength is returning from the run of chemo. He is more sure footed and I stopped using the gait belt 2 days ago. His strength doesn't last long as we found last night when he wanted a shower. It took us both a hour to complete the task because of needing breaks. I think from here on out I will arrange for a bath aide to come by a few times a week.

Over the weekend my step siblings and cousin came over for a meeting so we could all be sure to be on the same page of understanding. While I know they have their own lives: families, homes and jobs to tend to....I have asked for help. I can't keep watch over Daddy 24 hours a day with no breaks at all and they totally understand. I have asked for a minimum of one day a week to run errands and get away and 2 nights a week to get a full night of sleep with no worries. I also posed to them that while I can sometimes pick up the phone to call for help, I need them to be making most of the effort to check on us. Much of the time my hands are too full to think of grabbing the phone for balance. They understand completely and want to do whatever they can to pitch in and help; not only for my sake but for spending time with Daddy.

There is only one in the family that refuses to come over right now because it is too hard to accept and see Daddy this way. I Know it hurts greatly. I understand and can only pray that God and time will heal the painful reality before the are regrets.

For now that is all I can update you with.
Thank you so much for your faithful consistent prayers and encouragement.
God bless you richly as you go about your day.

One...

2010-10-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

One chemo treatment: One dose of chemo has made him so weak that while smoking a cigarette he falls asleep in mid drag and I must be on constant watch to put out burn spots. I know it's bad that he is smoking but muscle memory makes him want it and it is easier to appease than to re-direct him.

One minute: One minute of stepping away to tend to something else and I must pray because it is very likely he will wake up and think he needs to go stand in line for breakfast at the chow hall or something. Yet late at night when his energy is stored up from 20 hours of sleep he doesn't remember that these last weeks have been hell.

One phone call: One phone call from the oncologist said that the chemo is obviously having severe stress effects to his body. He confirmed that all the testing we did a few days ago was indeed negative. The only solution is that there are either small cancer cells in the fluid of his brain OR his body is struggling to process the chemo in his system. That one phone call brings relief to us in the form of validating what we have all been witnessing.

One person in pain: One person has accused me of being too ready to let my only Daddy die because I am home sick and ready to leave Texas. That one said my care is putting him in the grave faster than necessary. It was the one week of grief training that I had 4 years ago that helps me to know those accusations are seeded in the volatile roller coaster of emotional acceptance and so I firmly work at not being a product of my environment and do not engage. I choose to have my environment be a product of me.

One conversation: One conversation between Daddy and I left me explaining what the doctor said. As I said before, Daddy doesn't recall how hard things have been for him. He can't accept that 2 weeks are gone that he can't account for. He thinks he has woken from a simple nap and doesn't understand why the doctor wants to halt treatment.

One dream: One dream makes me wonder if I will get him back at all. He woke at 6am referring to me as the bus driver and kept politely begging me to let him get off the bus so he could go visit his brother in Chatham (9 hours from here). After 20 minutes of explaining and showing him around the house he all of a sudden grabbed my arm and with fear and panic flowing through his eyes began to shake with uncontrollable sobs, "Julie where are we?! I don't understand." At that point I did the only thing I could do. I hugged him and prayed one prayer. I prayed for his clarity, for his peace, for his understanding. He prayed too in between sobs and then calmed down and wanted to go back to sleep.

One cough: One cough woke him from a nap and he asked me to go get his dad. I had to explain to my daddy that his dad is in heaven and has been there since Daddy was 12 years old. Again he cried, "But I want to see him. Please go get him for me." Then he went back to sleep.

One day: One day blends into another. I know I should be utterly exhausted. I probably am but don't recognize it. My one God, my only God, the earth maker and star breather of the universe who promised to never leave us alone, who promised to cry with us and cope with us and be our all in all for every situation in our lives; He infuses me with a constant ribbon of strength like I have never felt before. How can this season of my life be the most horrible thing I have ever experienced and yet the most precious thing I have ever encountered all at the same time?

More Tests....

2010-10-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

I am not too sure right now how to start this update but I think that enough things have happened now that it is important to get this out to everyone.

Over the last few weeks, and increasingly in this last week, Daddy has been changing in his ability to be in a coherent state of mental awareness. His dream state has increased and it is getting difficult to talk him back into reality when he gets his mind set on a plan of action. Last week I stepped outside to bring one of the dogs in and came back into find Daddy on the floor. He had jumped up in a sleep state and was trying to accomplish the tasks that his dream told him to do. He was on the floor because he was still hooked to his feeding pump and had tripped and rolled. Nothing was hurt (hip was fine) but I had to call for help to get him off the floor as I explained to him over and over that he wasn't missing an important exam from his college days.

I could go into detail explaining how he recognizes people and then not in the same conversation, has a correct time line and then not in a ten minute window, sleeps so much more and that affects his stability and strength.....but all of the stories would only leave you shaking your head like we are and asking, "What changed so quickly?"

I had him at the hospital yesterday for an oncology check up and the doctor noted enough change in him (finally) that he wanted to admit him for testing. We agreed to the testing but brought Daddy home in the middle of the night instead of admitting him. We know very well that once he is admitted into the hospital for "observation" we will have a hard time getting him back out.

Testing: head CT, blood work, ammonia level, blood sugar, EKG, hidden infections, potassium changes, x-rays.......everything came back normal. There is some talk that it is minutely possible his pain patch is causing this. I disagree. I don't believe that after using the same medications for so long there would be a sudden change like this. I personally believe this has a lot to do with his last chemo treatment. I think that God made our bodies to cope and cope and cope until it can't right itself any longer and then shuts down to the basics as a re-boot (when possible).

Even still, his doctor is pushing chemo treatment. He told me yesterday before tests that if there was a brain lesion found then he would want to stall chemo for the purpose of aggressively radiating the brain lesion and then go back to the chemo regime. I just don't understand that. Daddy is a hospice patient afflicted with stage 4 cancer and has had a firm DNR order for many months. I understand that a physician is obligated to offer paths of choice but why can't he really address his quality of life. Daddy was so much better (going out for errands, joking around, sampling foods) before this last treatment. And yet this doctor treats me like I am the monster trying to rob Daddy by wanting the chemo stopped. If he would only say to Daddy that it is hurting him more than helping him then I know Daddy would listen.

grrrr.....I am venting. I want to fix this but my hands are respectfully tied until Daddy is completely in a state of not making his own decisions. It feels like I am slamming my head against a wall repeatedly.

But right now we are in the stall window of time. Daddy is still very strong physically and has times of being completely here. And when he is here he is totally here and almost doesn't understand our concerns. He doesn't completely accept 100% of what we say is happening. I wonder if this is like when he was sort of out of it from fatigue during rehab and will snap back to himself after a window of rest. I don't have definite information to give family that are not right here to see for themselves and that is hard.

Some are asking how I am doing. Really I am fine. My cousin is completely beside me and we are talking through all decisions together as she defers to my wishes in every situation. She tag teams with me when she is not working to give me some time to actually sleep. I am so grateful for her skills as a nurse to help me wade through all of the medical jargon and ridiculous red tape of a military hospital.

I am grateful for our wonderful hospice nurse that is so patient and encouraging to me. She has even given me her personal number to contact her with which I think is a huge gesture of trust and compassion on her part.

I am grateful for God standing with me in every second of the days and nights. You know that whisper of condemnation I battle all the time that tells me I should have done better with.....(fill in the blank with whatever)? Well when I found Daddy on the floor last week the first thing I heard in my heart was, "Julie this is not your fault. You can't watch him every second of every minute." And I believed it with no questioning. Wouldn't you agree that is a huge blessing of progress for me?

Ha! I am grateful for my new laptop so I can sit here next to Daddy while he sleeps and still be able to let you know what is going on.

I will keep you posted with information as I know more.

Even still, know that every day has purpose and destiny even when it looks clouded with what we don't expect. Have a blessed and wonderful day today and enjoy your times filled with purpose and blessing.